Cruise Jumps Gun With VP Announcement

Trump Plans To Respond With State Of Union Address

With Ted Cruise trying to metaphorically jump to the head of the line in front of political thunder lizard Donald Trump by naming Carly Fiorino as his vice presidential running mate, billionaire bully Trump has charged in front once again by announcing that his first State Of The Union message will be delivered before Congress ASAP. When our reporter asked how it would be possible for a non President Trump to speak at that venue, Trump replied, “Hey, this is congress. Money talks”.

When John Kasich was asked if he too planned a jump to the head of the presidential line he responded that since he was a big fan of Ronald Reagan and both Bushes he would immediately announce tax cuts for the rich and would search Google Maps for a country suitable for invasion.

“I have to admit that I’m having trouble finding one that we haven’t invaded. We already did  Mexico (1836-1846; 1913; 1914-1918; 1923), (3) Nicaragua (1856-1857; 1894; 1896; 1898; 1899; 1907; 1910; 1912-1933; 1981-1990), (5), Argentina (1890), (6), Chile (1891; 1973), (7) Haiti (1891; 1914-1934; 1994; 2004-2005), (8) Hawaii (1893-), (9) China (1895-1895; 1898-1900; 1911-1941; 1922-1927; 1927-1934; 1948-1949; 1951-1953; 1958), (10) Korea (1894-1896; 1904-1905; 1951-1953), (11) Panama (1895; 1901-1914; 1908; 1912; 1918-1920; 1925; 1958; 1964; 1989-), (12) Philippines (1898-1910; 1948-1954; 1989; 2002-), (13) Cuba (1898-1902; 1906-1909; 1912; 1917-1933; 1961; 1962), (14) Puerto Rico (1898-; 1950; ); (15) Guam (1898-), (16) Samoa (1899-), (17) Honduras (1903; 1907; 1911; 1912; 1919; 1924-1925; 1983-1989), (18) Dominican Republic (1903-1904; 1914; 1916-1924; 1965-1966),  (19) Germany (1917-1918; 1941-1945; 1948; 1961), (20) Russia (1918-1922), (21) Yugoslavia (1919; 1946; 1992-1994; 1999), (22) Guatemala (1920; 1954; 1966-1967), (23) Turkey (1922), (24) El Salvador (1932; 1981-1992),  (25) Italy (1941-1945); (26) Morocco (1941-1945), (27) France (1941-1945), (28) Algeria (1941-1945), (29) Tunisia (1941-1945), (30) Libya (1941-1945; 1981; 1986;  1989; 2011), (31) Egypt (1941-1945; 1956; 1967; 1973; 2013), (32) India (1941-1945),  (33) Burma (1941-1945), (34) Micronesia (1941-1945), (35) Papua New Guinea (1941-1945), (36) Vanuatu (1941-1945), (37) Austria (1941-1945), (38) Hungary (1941-1945), (39) Japan (1941-1945), (40) Iran (1946; 1953; 1980; 1984; 1987-1988; ), (41) Uruguay (1947), (42) Greece (1947-1949), Vietnam (1954; 1960-1975), (44) Lebanon (1958; 1982-1984), (45) Iraq (1958; 1963; 1990-1991; 1990-2003; 1998; 2003-2011), (46) Laos (1962-), (47) Indonesia (1965), (48) Cambodia (1969-1975; 1975), (49) Oman (1970), (50) Laos (1971-1973), (51) Angola (1976-1992), (52) Grenada (1983-1984), (53) Bolivia (1986; ), (54) Virgin Islands (1989), (55) Liberia (1990; 1997; 2003), (56) Saudi Arabia (1990-1991), (57) Kuwait (1991), (58) Somalia (1992-1994; 2006), (59) Bosnia (1993-), (60) Zaire (Congo) (1996-1997), (61) Albania (1997), (62) Sudan (1998), (63) Afghanistan (1998; 2001-), (64) Yemen (2000; 2002-), (65) Macedonia (2001), (66) Colombia (2002-), (67) Pakistan (2005-), (68) Syria (2008; 2011-), (69) Uganda (2011), (70) Mali (2013), (71) Niger (2013)”. “I hate to be a copycat”.

Dude! Where’s My Nomination?

GOP Proposes Nomination Alternatives

With front-runner Donald Trump hinting violence if he is not the Republican nominee at the Cleveland convention in July, GOP bigwigs have been frantically casting about for solutions that don’t involve the breaking of bones.

Although nothing has yet been decided, the leading alternative at this stage of the process is, assuming no nominee emerges on the first or second ballot, to have all comers try to correctly recite “Reince Priebus”, the name of the current chairman of the Republican National Committee, three times in succession. The winner will be judged on speed and accuracy.

Said the real Reince Priebus, “This won’t be easy. Even my mother eventually gave up and called me ‘Wrench’. But it’s still better than the previous suggestion which was to go with the candidate with the longest fingers”.