NRA Posts Survival Guide For America

Common Sense From Your Friends At The NRA

1. Don’t wear hoodies!!! Are you stupid America? Don’t wear hoodies, period, end of discussion. Its raining, its cold. Tough. Don’t wear hoodies. If you do, you deserve to be shot.

2. Don’t throw popcorn!!! Stop being stupid! Throw popcorn at someone who is trying to mind your business and you will die. End of story!

I Can't Wait For My Child To Be Shot By One Of These Beauties

I Can’t Wait For My Child To Be Shot By One Of These Beauties

3. Don’t go to school. Stupid! That’s where school shootings take place. Smarten up!

4. Don’t work at the Post Office. What, are you nuts?! If someone is going to go Postal where do you think they will be? Right! Now use your head fer cryin’ out loud.

5. Don’t walk on the sidewalks! What? Are you the only person who hasn’t heard of drive by shootings? Don’t be an idiot! Don’t walk! Period!

6. Don’t go to the mall you idiot! Mall shootings are now an accepted part of American life. That stuff at the mall is overpriced anyway.

7. Do carry a loaded firearm at all times, everywhere; movies, work, daycare centers, town meetings, grocery shopping, job interviews, because you never know when you may encounter someone who doesn’t think you have the right to run their life.

This message has been brought to you by The NRA. Creating a safer America, one gun at a time.

Florida To Replace “Stand Your Ground” Law…

…with “Mind Your Own Business”

Facing the prospect of another Zimmermanesque multimillion dollar murder trial, Florida’s tax averse retiree heavy population has called for replacing their “shoot anybody, anytime, for any reason, law known as “Stand Your Ground” with a more taxpayer friendly substitute tentatively known as “Mind Your Own Business”.

“How many fistfights turned multimillon dollar murder trials can we afford in Florida before New York starts looking like a tax haven?” asked long time resident, Fiduciary Doody. “If this keeps up we Floridians might have to start paying taxes.”

When reached for comment regarding Florida’s latest “He made me mad so I shot him” episode, Zimmerman juror B37 opined that if she were chosen for the jury her vote would be to acquit. “It was entirely the texter’s fault. This is Florida. He should have known that the guy behind him brought a gun to the movies. Its what we do.”

Christie: “I Didn’t Know About The Bridge”

“I thought we agreed to just slash his tires”

An angry Chris Christie lashed out at his top staffers Thursday over their apparent rogue decision to shut down lanes on the George Washington bridge in order to embarrass a political opponent. “I never gave permission to do something so disruptive as this.” I thought we were in agreement at the planning meeting that we would just slash his tires or maybe rough him up a bit on the sidewalk outside his office. In fact I was the one who nixed the idea of breaking his legs, knowing the liberal press would just use that as a segue into Obamacare.”

Sorry Mary. This One Is A BFD

Sorry Mary. This One Is A BFD

In a related story, Mary Matalin, Republican strategist, responded “BFD” (Big Fucking Deal) when asked what her thoughts were on the widening New Jersey scandal. It is, apparently, her opinion that disrupting the health and safety of thousands of the people that you have sworn to serve does not rise to the level of a Lewinsky.

 

Toronto Mayor Vows Payback For American Ridicule

Threatens To Torch Buffalo – Again

Angry at the Jimmy Kimmels and Jay Lenos of the U.S. TV landscape holding him up to ridicule on a nightly basis, Toronto mayor Rob Ford has vowed retaliation in the form of sacking and burning his U.S. neighbor, Buffalo, NY. “Why not”, shouted a belligerent and possibly coked-up Ford at a City Hall press conference. “Its the two hundredth anniversary of the first time we did it. They’re always doing their wimpy reenactments at Fort Niagara. We’ll give them a reenactment they won’t soon forget”.

I'm referring all questions to my counsel

I’m referring all questions to my counsel

When the red faced and neck vein bulging Ford calmed down sufficiently for our brave reporter to get in a word he reminded Ford that the Americans might not take kindly to having one of their cities burned and that the entire Canadian military was sufficiently small that it could probably fit into Ralph Wilson Stadium.

“Its Buffalo, for crying out loud”, yelled the Toronto leader. “The only time anybody in the U.S. even remembers that they still exist is when another football team comes to town to kick their collective asses”.

When word of Ford’s threat reached the residents of Buffalo the general consensus was “Burn if you must, but we’ll have the last laugh when Rogers Cable eventually buys the Bills and moves them to Toronto”.