Anthony Weiner To Replace Jay Leno

NBC: Say Hello To Our little Friend

NBC executives were feeling quite cocky today at a hastily called news conference at which they announced the signing of Anthony Weiner to replace Jay Leno when Leno’s contract expires in 2014.  “We may have pulled a boner with that Conan O’Brian thing”, said NBC spokesperson, Shelly Quecard, but when Weiner popped up we just couldn’t let him slip through our fingers”.

It's Abedin! I Don't Care What You Heard!

It’s Abedin! I Don’t Care What You Heard!

When asked how Jimmy Fallon is taking the news, Quecard replied, “Well frankly he’s being a dick about it but with Fallon we would have had to continue with the expense of the writing staff; with Weiner the jokes write themselves.

When our reporter asked if NBC is also offering a job to Weiner’s wife, Huma, we were told the executives felt that after all she has been through, working for NBC would be just adding insult to injury. “Besides”, said spokesperson Quecard, “She appears to be on a course to live the rest of her life known as Hum A Weiner. That’s about as bad as it gets.”

Anthony Weiner Changes Name For NYC Race

Chooses To Go With “Woody”

“I figure I might as well capitalize upon my current notoriety” said NYC mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner. “If ‘Woody Weiner’ doesn’t get everyone remembering me at the ‘Polling Place’, they’re too dense.”

You down there. It’s all your fault. Not mine.

“It has so many electoral tie-ins; ballot ‘box’, polling, exit polling, etc. I’m sure everyone will get into the act, with campaigners approaching voters saying, ‘Pardon me ma’am. May I poll you? It will be the most exciting election in a long time, and I will be on everyone’s ‘lips’. Yuk, Yuk. See how easy it is.”

When our reporter asked the newly christened Woody Weiner what his first act would be if lightning strikes and he does somehow become mayor of New York, he replied. “Since I’m a new father I would make it a priority of my administration to do what ever I could to clean up the internet. You never know what creeps your children may encounter in cyberspace.”

 

Juror B37 Wants Hernandez Trial Moved To Florida

Florida “Justice” On A Roll Says Juror

“We are in the early stage of developing a new industry here in the great state of Florida” gushed Zimmerman Juror B37, on the FOX ‘news’ program ‘Crap R Us’. And we feel that the Hernandez murder trial will give us the cachet we need to firmly establish and market ourselves as the place to go if you are white and seeking ‘justice’.”

Oh man, If I could just get to that white Bronco over there!

Oh man, If I could just get to that white Bronco over there!

“Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, and now Aaron Hernandez, would face uncertain legal outcomes if their fate were put in the hands of jurors in those uppity northern states like New York or Connecticut, what with all their highfalutin’ facts and deliberatin’. I mean look at the Zimmerman case; It was obvious from the start that Travon Martin went out on a dark rainy night. when all God-fearing-folk were home watching Honey Boo Boo, with the intent of luring citizen volunteer, George Zimmerman, into a confrontation. That’s obvious from the fact that he was wearing a hoodie. The rain just provided him with an excuse.”

“So I say to everyone who fears having a jury of their peers (whatever the hell peers are) listening carefully to the prosecution and weighing evidence, Come On Down!”.

 

Zimmerman Seeks To Turn Life Around

Reported Dating Casey Anthony

“I’ve made mistakes” said George Zimmerman, after being acquitted of murder by a Florida “jury”. “But then who among us hasn’t pulled the trigger on one or two suspicious looking persons with whom they’ve started an argument. Let’s not have the pot calling the kettle black, (pardon my humor)”.

They WHAT?? ACQUITTED?? Oh man, Casey was right!!!

They WHAT?? ACQUITTED?? Oh man, Casey was right!!!

“I’m happy to say to all my fans in Gun-dom that I’ve begun dating fellow celeb Casey Anthony. We’ve talked of marriage and maybe kids someday and I hope this new chapter in my life will help put this little incident behind me.”

When our reporter pointed out to George that he already had a wife he replied, “With my new celebrity status my fans are going to expect me to behave like a celebrity. Besides, they’ve got her on perjury so I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of my wife for the next ten years. If there’s one thing the people of Florida won’t abide it’s a liar.”

Zimmerman Jury Breaks New Legal Ground

Gang Members Rejoyce

“What?” said prosecutors across the land. “An armed aggressor starts a fight with a complete stranger; begins to lose said fight, pulls out a gun and kills the stranger, but has committed no crime?”

I’d like to thank The Klan, Florida Rednecks, White Republicans, and especially Dumb As A Box of Rocks Florida Jurors. Am I right Casey?

One group that was particularly happy with the verdict were gang members. “This makes our job so much easier, and makes us untouchable by the law”, said local badass, Shootemup McBangbang. “All we have to do is shoot them in the front instead of the usual back of the head, and then claim self defense. This changes everything!”