Borowitz: “That’s My Material!”
An irate Andy Borowitz confronted National Rampage Association (NRA) Chief Executive Wayne LaPierre at a Washington, DC superheros’ convention shortly after LaPierre delivered his statement that schools are targets for mass murder not because the society surrounding them has too many military weapons in the hands of paranoids who see themselves as the last line of defense in a society racked by same sex marriage, subsidized school lunch programs, and unemployment insurance, but because the staff of said schools aren’t carrying enough firepower.
Hell Yes I’m Qualified To Carry A Gun In Public Schools
“You stole our material” yelled Borowitz as he was joined by representatives of David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jay Leno. You do the straight stuff! We’ll do the jokes”, yelled the growing crowd of comics and cartoonists.
When our reporter could get a word in edgewise he managed to ask LaPierre what he was doing at a superheros’ convention, to which he replied, “Since armed guards at all 99,000 schools in the nation may be a bit much I’m hoping to recruit some members of the superhero community to use their super powers to cover perhaps a whole school district or two to give maximum protection to our most valuable institution; fully armed and fortified elementary schools.”
If I’d Known The NRA Was On Our Side I’d Have Stayed On The Farm
NRA Plans Friday Announcement
“These NRA guys make us look like amateurs’ said al-Qaeda spokesperson, Hassan Ben Easy, “We think we’re doing great by setting off a bomb that kills ten or so at once. These NRA types use the US Constitution as cover and get a hundred thousand a year. They really know how to get a job done, Deer hunters my eye; they’re mass murderers extraordinaire.”
“Our thinking is that by owning the National Rampage Association (Thank you Daily Beast) outright we can just go back to our villages and goats while letting the Ted Nugents of the US do our dirty work for us free of charge. How cool is that?”
When our reporter asked if there would be any policy changes once al-Qaeda was fully in charge of the National Rampage Association, Hassan Ben Easy replied “Our more bloodthirsty leaders wanted to change nothing, but the more rational among us think we would have our new NRA back away from certain issues such as ‘assault weapons for everyone’ and arming school teachers. I mean, true, we are terrorists but we’re not completely insane.”
Helen Waite Marries Fiscal Cliff
In a match made in GOP heaven, John Boehner, speaker of the House of Representatives, has referred President Obama to his executive secretary for any further comment regarding the current tax extension negotiations..
No Rush? No Problem!
Said Speaker Boehner, “If President Obama is in a hurry to raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans he can go to my secretary, Helen Waite”.
When Mission Refudiated followed up with the White House we were told they have had no success reaching Helen Waite.
Wrote In Votes For “Ben Gazi”
Mitt Romney might be President today if not for a simple misinterpretation by millions of FOX “news” viewers that the GOP candidate was someone named “Ben Gazi”.
Wow, That Makes Me Look Like A Genius
“I just kept hearing that name over and over before the election”, said FOX ‘news’ viewer Don Dufus. “I assumed he was the choice of the Koch brothers so when I didn’t see his name on the ballot, I wrote it in. I guess a lot of others did too, assuming the ballots had been manipulated, what with that Kenyan, Communist, Nazi, Marxist, Jihadist, Terrorist, Muslim, Traitor, Usurper, occupying the White House. You just can’t trust those types”.
When our reporter, from a safe distance, suggested that citizen Dufus was so far on the wrong side of the IQ bell curve that he should give up his right to vote, he correctly replied that that wouldn’t affect the millions of other FOX “news” viewers who made the same mistake.