Promised To Reimburse Election Donors
“He can’t stay in hiding forever”, said Percival Koch, part owner along with his brother, Pierpont, of the Republican Party. “When we get our hands on him he’ll wish he’d never even thought of drying George W out and making him President.”
Join The Crowd, Karl
“Ditto” replied Sheldon Adelson. “If a so called genius can’t take a boat load of money and a Republican nominee who looks like he was sent over by Central Casting, and make him President running against a black guy with a funny name in a depression then something’s obviously not right.”
When our reporter asked why GOP donors would spent the better part of half a billion dollars gambling on something that could go south, Adelson replied, “Simple, We knew if Obama got back in we might have to pay thousands more in income taxes. Yachts and multiple houses don’t come cheap you know.”
“My Offerings Rejected”
“Freeloading voters simply accepted the handouts Obama offered and rejected my commonsense approach”, whined the world’s most prominent loser, former GOP golden boy, Willard “Mitt” Romney.
"And He Passed These Out Like Candy"
“In the case of young women voters”, continued Romney, “The President offered health care funded birth control, which they readily accepted, rejecting my offer to abolish Planned Parenthood and require rape victims to bear their attackers children”.
“The President’s ‘Path to Citizenship’ stance on immigration was, inexplicably, more readily embraced by Latinos than my more pragmatic position of making their lives so miserable they moved back to wherever it is these people come from”.
“It seems that no matter how we reach out to ‘These People’ we get our hand bitten”.
Puts Things Into Perspective
I cried because I didn’t win the Presidency
But then I met a man who only had three houses and four cars
Says Santa Obama Gave Something To Everyone
In an effort to explain to his big donors how he lost a Presidential election that should have been a walk in the park, Mitt Romney blamed it on shrewd gifts that President Obama handed out to his supporters.
You Think Its Easy Carrying All This?
“He very slyly didn’t call young women sluts and whores, ala Limbaugh, when they wanted health care to cover contraception. And he followed that up with not demanding that they submit video of said contraception in action. Now, how could I compete with that?”
“He didn’t threaten to make Hispanics lives so miserable that they left the country under their own volition. Is that dirty politics or what?”
“And he promised a break on tuition interest for college students. A BREAK? Are you kidding me? Let them sell some of their stocks to pay their tuition. That’s what I did when I was in college. I wasn’t old enough to collect from my trust fund yet so I sacrificed. That’s the trouble with kids these days. They’ve never had to rough it.”
I don't know what changes we could have made.
“How Could I Not Have Seen This Coming?”
“I listen to Limbaugh, Hannity, and Beck. I watch FOX exclusively, so its not like I’m not informed. So how could I not have known this was coming?” lamented Gerald Narromind, of Grosse Pointe, Michigan.
“Its not like I’m some inner city loafer who spends their day listening to rap music and cashing welfare checks and wouldn’t know fair and balanced reporting if it hit them over their dreadlocks.”
When our reporter gently suggested that perhaps Mr. Narromind should include other sources in hs daily news perusal he looked somewhat surprised and said, “Other..news..sources? There are other news sources?”