…to all his little friends.
Hi boys and girls. It’s a wonderful day in the neighhhborhood. You know what we’re going to talk about today? We’re going to talk about summer! Isn’t that exciting? We need to talk about summer because some bad people are saying bad things about summer. These bad people are called scientists. They make up these bad things to scare little boys and girls. Why would they do that? To get stuff for themselves called “GRANT MONEY”. They steal this GRANT MONEY from your mommies and daddies so they can buy things like coprolites.
George Will Teaches The Seasons
If you meet one of these bad people in front of the candy store or when you and your friends are coming out of the Bijou on a Saturday morning, run because they will try to act like they are your friend by telling you things like Climate Change is going to ruin your future. They will have these things called facts and data that show carbon dioxide has been increasing in our atmosphere since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution and that this is causing our summers to get longer and hotter and our winters to get shorter, with wilder weather during both periods.
When one of these bad people tells you these bad things, run home immediately and turn on your radio. There is a good man on the radio called Rush Limbaugh and he will pound his desk and yell over and over “THERE IS NO GLOBAL WARMING!!! THERE IS NO GLOBAL WARMING!!!!” Mr Limbaugh doesn’t need facts like those bad scientists use because he is a beloved figure who is glad to provide this comfort to you children since, despite having four wives he doesn’t have any little boys and girls of his own. It’s called, “Having no skin in the game”. The $50,000,000.00 per year from sponsors doesn’t hurt either.
So boys and girls, remember, scientists baaaadd, Limbaugh goooodd. Well boys and girls its time I got back to the Norman Rockwell painting where I live, but I’ll see you again if I hear of any more of those bad scientists trying to fill your little heads with, shudder, facts.
“Integral Part Of W Bush Years”
“We are VERY unhappy with Game of Thrones intercepting and using the model of former President George Bush’s head” said George W Bush Presidential library spokesperson, Alfred E Newman. “That ‘head was an important part of how the Bush presidency functioned and it was being shipped to the Bush Presidential library at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas.”
Well, He's On Vacation Again, So It's Up To Me, AGAIN
When our reporter inquired how a fake President’s head could be germane to the history of a Presidency, Newman lowered his voice and said he had been instructed to not speak to the press, and inquired as to our publication. When he was told MissionRefudiated he said, “Oh, God. I can tell you. Nobody reads that crap of yours anyway.”
“Since everybody who voted for George W has by now either jumped off a bridge or watches FOX ‘news’ exclusively, it hasn’t been too hard to keep secret that George took more vacation time in his first year than Bill Clinton took in eight. In order to hide this from nosy non FOX reporters we put that fake head on the back of the presidential chair so anybody looking through the window would assume George was hard at work looking for WMDs or Bin Laden’s lair.”
When our reporter made so bold as to say that the fake head made as much progress on those issues as the real head, the interview was ended abruptly.
Relives College Years
“God! I feel like a kid again!”, declared Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney after he and his five sons subdued recently “Out” Anderson Cooper and shaved his head. “Chasing down and shearing that fag in college was the best training I could have had for the real world. Who would have guessed that, in a two month span, I would get the chance to teach John Travolta and Anderson Cooper that the welcome sign is not out for faggots in Romney’s America. They can all go back to wherever they came from.”
Ok, Ok, Its a piece! Mitt Shaved Me Bald! What Else Can I Do?
When our reporter asked the GOP Presidential contender if it seemed somewhat incongruous that a leader of the party of Nixon, the party that preaches less government intrusion into our personal lives should be, for lack of a better term, intruding into people’s personal lives, Mitt responded that he had been warned by Sarah Palin that the “Liberal Media” would try to trip him up with facts and logic and said that he refused to be drawn into such “Gotcha” journalistic tactics.
“I think we all remember when that snip Katy Couric sandbagged Sarah Palin with the underhanded question, “What newspapers do you read?”. Everybody knows how hard it is to get newspapers to Alaska, what with the snow and dog sleds, polar bears and God knows what else.”
The Spoof Reports On Doctor DIY Kits
Still reeling from what is seen in true Republican circles as betrayal most foul, the Supreme Court’s decision upholding President Obama’s Affordable Care Act (ACA) has spurred the Party of Nixon to offer DIY health “care” kits as reported by The Spoof. These kits will supplement the previous cure all for everything that ails among those unable to afford the luxury of standard health care, Robitussin..
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With health care well in hand, the party of Nixon plans to move the DIY cost cutting initiative into other areas suffering from government intrusion. “Our next move will be to eliminate the TSA”, said NRA spokesperson and GOP embedded “facilitator” Felicity Ammo. “We hope to have President Romney fast track our plan to allow passengers to carry concealed and encourage them to stand their ground, (shoot to kill) upon spotting anyone who looks suspicious, such as wearing a hoodie or turban.”