Too Much “Holier Than Thou”
“Jesus H. Christ!”, declared God while taking time out from parting the waters someplace for some reason, “If I had known what a pain in the buttocks those Fundamentalist “Christians” were going to be I’d have never gone ahead with this Heaven thing. Thanks to them Heaven is no Paradise I can tell you that!”
Hello God, It's Me, Jerry
“And what’s the big thing with them about everybody else’s sex life,” continued The Creator. “The rules I gave were about how to run your own life not how to run everyone else’s. So, anyway, I’m officially closing Heaven and kicking these ‘Holier Than Thou’ types out. I getting too old for this crap anyway.”
When our reporter asked what will happen to the souls that were in Heaven but are now “cut loose in space”, to use George Carlin’s term, God replied, “We’re reopening Limbo. Its right down the road so we can send a few angels over to play harps for them on weekends, but far enough away that I don’t have to listen to their crap anymore.”
Plans Presidential Run With Wang
In a political story that will probably be captioned by Larry Flint, former Democratic representative, Anthony Weiner, who resigned in disgrace after sexting incidents has decided to come out of forced retirement swinging, by challenging President Barak Obama for the Democratic nomination for President.
No, I'm The Weiner. He's The Wang
At a surprise news conference Weiner stated his plans and to the shock of many revealed that he has convinced Kenneth Wang to give up plans for political office in New Zealand and be his Vice Presidential running mate. “I like it.”, said Weiner, ” It’s got a ring to it. Weiner / Wang,”
When asked why he would go to the other side of the earth to find a running mate, Weiner replied, “In this country you’ve got more Wieners and Dicks than you can handle, but if you want to find a real Wang or perhaps a Dong you must travel to the Western Pacific. If you search enough you might even be able to come up with a Hung Dong. Even Republicans will be buying those bumper stickers.”
Prefers Pee Pee Or No No Zone
Michigan Representative Lisa Brown used the word vagina on the house floor and has been banned from further speaking until she allows the Sargent At Arms to wash her mouth out with soap.
I Thought You Republicans Preferred Young Boys
“Pink Canoe, Prick Purse, Rocket Pocket, were all available to Representative Brown”, said Republican House Speaker, Percival Fussypants. “Instead she chose to drag the discussion and this chamber into the gutter with her less than mellifluous phraseology. All undignified references by Representative Brown in yesterday’s outburst have been changed to ‘Fun Tunnel'”
In a bizarre twist, even by Republican standards, Rush Limbaugh, leader of The Party of Nixon, and recipient of many of Koch Industry’s “Atta Boy” awards has requested that Sandra Fluke, a notorious slut outed by Limbaugh in February and Representative Brown “Get together” and send him some video.”
Assembles GOP Roadshow
“When I am President of this great land of ours, which, by the way, hasn’t been so great for the past four years, I plan to reinvent America”, proclaimed Mitt Romney at a campaign stop in Satan’s Kingdom, Connecticut. “To that end I have begun the assembly of a Republican cast of all stars that will travel the country and get America back on the straight and narrow; with emphasis on straight.”
“Expounding on the Sanctity of Marriage issue will be Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh. Between them they have seven marriages and five divorces. Experience will count in a Romney administration.”
“On the issue of getting the government off your back and out of your personal lives I have recruited Rick Santorum, who has graciously taken time off from monitoring the sexual activity of our nation’s women to help out.”
Honey, I Thought Democrats Were The Big Spenders
“To help us underscore the danger of having a Democrat running up the National Debt, I have been able to convince George W. Bush to come out of retirement to explain how he, unlike his reckless successor, carefully and sensibly doubled the national debt to $11,000.000.000.00. Mr. Bush will be aided by Nancy Reagan who will expound on her husband raising the national debt ceiling eighteen times on his way to almost tripling the national debt in only eight years.
“To speak to our young people regarding the only known way to prevent teen pregnancy, abstinence, we tried to recruit Bristol Palin but she is already making lots of money on the speaking circuit flogging that issue so we are instead trying to get Dr. Ruth Westheimer to speak. If the association of seeing Dr. Ruth and hearing about sex doesn’t turn these kids off nothing will.”
“Now I’m Broke Fer Christ Sake”
“I was going to get some investment advice. But now, what’s the point? I might as well ask him how the weather’s been in Omaha”, whined Charles Cashflow, “winner” of the charity auction hosted every year by perennially under taxed Warren Buffet.
Happy? Oh Yeah, I'm Real Happy! This Better Include Dessert
“You know how these eBay things go. You get caught up in the action and before you know it you hit one too many zeros twenty seconds before the auction ends and you’re stuck. What am I going to talk about with him now? Hi, Mr. Buffet. I’m Charles. I used to be a millionaire? Now I’m homeless? Oh, this is going to be just great.”
When MissionRefudiated contacted Mr. Buffet and explained Mr. Cashflow’s dilemma, the world’s richest real old guy said he completely sympathized and hoped that Cashflow has enough left for the tip.
Oh, THAT Passport!
Saying “I’m sorry your honor, but playing cops and robbers as an adult with real guns and all is so different than when I was a kid, that I’m understandably confused. When you asked me at my bail hearing if I had any money I thought you meant in my pocket at that moment. It just never occurred to me that, at a bail hearing, you were trying to asses my ability to pay bail. Foolish me.”
You Shoot One Person And Right Away Everybody's Upset
“And as far as only turning in one of my two passports, the one about to expire, you have to realize that this whole thing has been quite a strain on my memory, what with remembering what really happened and having to remember what I said happened. There’s only so much a guy can deal with.
When our reporter asked vigilante Zimmerman if there is any message he would like to send to his many supporters who have donated almost a quarter million dollars to his defense, he replied, “Yes, I would like to thank them for supporting me through this government persecution. I mean everybody is going to have to keep in mind that I’m the real victim here.”
Checks Behind Cushions At Koch Mansion
With a little help from his friends, Republican Presidential nominee, Mitt Romney was able to raise $16,000,000 more in May than his opponent, President Obama.
This Is From Just One Of Their Many Mansions
“We were blessed by the generosity of the Koch brothers, inheritors of Koch Industries and majority shareholders of the Republican Party” said Bringem Young, spokesperson for the Romney campaign. “Periodically the Koch brothers hold high level meetings for Republican strategists at which the brothers hand out marching orders. Everyone in attendance is of course a high ranking Republican and therefore a multibillionaire. After the meetings Pierpont and Percival Koch let us run through the mansion checking behind all of the cushions and in the many bathrooms where those drunk with power may have dropped money while throwing up.”
When our reporter asked if checking behind cushions for loose change is a viable fund raising strategy, spokesperson Young replied, “What part of the phrase ‘Republican multibillionaire’ is eluding you?”
Visiting Nations’ Elementary Cafetoriums
“This is just so exciting”, gushed Penelope Planbook, third grade teacher at No Child Left Below Average Elementary in Rebel Yell, Georgia. “We told Speakers R Us that we needed someone of prominence to reinforce our classroom message, ‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive’, but we never thought we’d get anyone as high profile as John Edwards.”
My Lovely Daughter "Meal Ticket"
“And that Rielle Hunter”, continued Planbook, “Why, over in Trailer Trash Township she’s the talk of the town, what with almost bein’ First Lady and all.”
When our reporter asked what message former candidate Edwards was actually delivering to the children, Planbook replied, “He essentially tells the kids to ‘Keep it in your pants until after the election’, but that’s over the heads of some of our kindergartners.”
Cancels Trip To Pakistan
With the judge’s opinion that George Zimmerman lied to the court regarding his financial and travel status, Florida’s defender of “Truth, Justice, and The American Way” has had his bail revoked and is back in jail.
Relax George! Remember It's A Florida Jury - Love Casey
“What kind of travesty of justice is this?” howled Zimmerman’s lawyer, Snidely Whiplash. “At the bail hearing, in order to assess bail, the judge asked my client if he had any assets. My client replied he was broke even though he had $200,000 donated for his defense. My client is a Republican. No respectable Republican considers $200,000 to be real money. When a Republican is down to $200,000 they are broke. Have you seen what country club dues are now days? Or what repairs to a Lexus cost?”
“And the passport thing. The judge asked my client if he owned a passport and if so to turn it in; which my client did. The judge did NOT ask my client how MANY passports he owned, and if more than one, to turn them all in. And besides, who among us hasn’t stood before a judge and lied under oath? Very few I assure you.”
When our reporter asked if Zimmerman may have trouble convincing a jury of his truthfulness in light of his less than honest statements to the judge, barrister Whiplash smiled and said, “We’re not too worried. Right now my people are out rounding up as many members as they can of the Casey Anthony jury.”
Has Part Of Brain Incapacitated
Perhaps as a way of lowering expectations, Rush Limbaugh mentions before every program that one half of his brain is “tied behind my back”, a metaphorical reference to the amount of thinking capacity that is necessary for his line of “work”.
Obama Baaaad GOP Goooood
“The problem in this case is which part of his brain is in suspension.”, says Professor Sheldon Synapse, director of cognitive studies at Ayatollah U. in Milan, Italy. The mammalian brain is composed of the old reptile brain that controls basic functions including fear. The cerebral cortex controls higher order thinking which mitigates the fear and hatred impulses from the lower brain. After listening to just a few minutes of any of Limbaugh’s programing it is obvious which brain level is incapacitated.”
When reached for comment Limbaugh did not dispute any of Professor Synapse’s analysis. “I’m sure the good professor is accurate in what he says”, replied Limbaugh. “What he has to understand though is that given my audience, resting the thinking part of my brain is not that great a sacrifice.”