Palin Upset Over Orin Hatch Controversy

“What’s Wrong With Protecting A Few Birds?”

Sarah Palin spoke out against her critics who are upset regarding her recent support of Orin Hatch. “For crying out loud people”, exclaimed the abortive governor of Alaska, “If you Republicans want anything left to hunt you can’t be against every species of bird

The Orin Hatch - Threatened With Extinction

that walks or flies. Just because you say you are against the environment doesn’t mean everything has to be driven to extinction. If we don’t preserve some birds what will Dick Cheney do to entertain his lawyer friends?”

“It’s irresponsible talk such as this that gives all Republicans a black eye. If we are going to attract independent voters in November we have to at least appear to have some semblance of concern for God’s creatures. This is why I have always supported the Orin Hatch and have, ever since my days as a political force in Alaska, fought to preserve its habitat.”

When our reporter gently pointed out to the former half term governor, failed Vice Presidential candidate, and off again, on again, off again Presidential candidate, that the Orin Hatch in question is in fact a person and not a bird, the candidate replied, “Well if he’s a person, then what’s his name? And don’t tell me ‘Who’.”

Arizona Accepts Hawaiian Birth Certificate

President Obama Breathes Sigh Of Relief

Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett has let President Obama off the hook by generously allowing the current President Of The United States to be placed on the ballot in the November general election.

Why Didn't They Just Ask Me?

“My heartfelt thanks go out to Secretary Bennett”, said President Obama, interrupting a meeting with European leaders on how to stabilize the Eurozone and prevent a meltdown of the global economy. “I have to admit His Excellency, the Honorable Kenneth Bennett, Secretary Of State to the great state of Arizona, gave me a few sleepless nights over whether he would allow me to run for President Of The United States in the aforesaid great state of Arizona come November, and though I wish I could do more to express my gratitude, I will release immediately the two hundred billion dollars that Arizona has requested to build a fence around the entire state to turn itself into one large gated community, complete with volunteer watch-persons.”

“Not so fast”, said Donald Trump, in a statement released to reporters seconds after the President’s remarks. “I’m the Republican point man on Birtherism and Arizona has not cleared this with me. If this usurper occupying the White House wants to be on the November ballot, he knows where I can be reached.”

 

 

Florida Rewrites “Stand Your Ground”

Legislature: Needs More Detail

The Florida legislature moved hastily today to rewrite provisions of its controversial “Stand Your Ground” law which allows someone who feels threatened to kill the person that they feel is a threat. Many in and outside of Florida feel that the law is too broad in its present state and is open to misuse.

Protecting Florida, One Skittle At A Time

“This is not how we New Yorkers/Floridians expected this law to be applied” declared Samantha Snowbird, longtime resident of Gate-Me-In retirement community, reacting to the news that Travon Martin’s parents were planning to use “Stand Your Ground” to defend their son’s actions.

“This law was proposed by the NRA and adopted by the State of Florida to allow armed white people to shoot black people and then claim self defense”, declared Snowbird. “Martin’s parents are getting all ‘uppity’ and trying to claim that their son felt his life was in danger just because he was followed and accosted on a dark rainy night by an armed stranger.”

When our reporter posed a hypothetical situation to Snowbird in which a person, showing no weapon, enters a store and is accosted by an armed clerk who feels he looks suspicious. A struggle ensues in which the clerk is shot and killed and the person claims he felt his life threatened and had to stand his ground.

“What color was the clerk?” asked Snowbird. “This is exactly why the law is being revised.”

Confident Romney Mulls Presidential Appointments

Builds “Brain” Trust Ahead Of Victory

With some polls showing him slightly edging out Barack Obama in the hotly contested Presidential race, a perhaps over confident Mitt Romney has begun to assemble the thinkers, movers, and shakers that will guide his possible administration and the country for the next eight years.

Deviating from prepared remarks while speaking to graduates at a commencement address at God Hates Fags University, part of the Falwell Institute For Peace and Brotherhood, located between Bumpass and Threeway, VA, candidate Romney let slip that he is in the process of narrowing the list of Republican thinkers that he feels will best further the goals of the party of Nixon.

Kremlinologizing Is My Middle Name

“I’ve got Sarah Palin on my short list for Vice President”, said Romney. “With her at my side I would not only gain an experienced Kremlinologist but also an in house expert on the Alaskan moose infestation.”

Negotiate? NEGOTIATE???

“Ted Nugent will make an excellent ambassador to the United Nations, where a capacity to appreciate the other person’s point of view and conduct level headed negotiations is a must.”

Koch Industries - Our Proudest Moments

 

“I’m putting the Koch brothers in charge of the EPA. No one has been more responsible for the current state of our environment than Koch Industries.”

Blah, Blah, Blah, Like Anybody Thinks You're The President

 

“Dick Cheney will head up foreign policy as Secretary of State, where we need someone practiced in the subtleties of diplomacy.”

 

 

Nothing Communicates Like A Handstand

“Victoria Jackson will make an excellent communications director. Her clear and concise grasp of the issues of the day make her an obvious choice. And, of course, when tough questions are posed by reporters nothing says competence like an impromptu hand stand.”

 

And LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!!

 

 

“But, probably most important of all, realizing that the Presidency is a job that can only be mastered with experience, I will rely heavily on the advice of President George W. Bush whose hard work and clear vision laid the ground work for all that we are experiencing today, in this great country of ours.”

 

 

 

Facebook Faceplant

Limbaugh Blames Obama For IPO Stumble

With the Facebook IPO failing to stun investors with a stratospheric run up, right wing hate radio’s voice of reason, Rush Limbaugh, has singled out the person most responsible for such an inconceivable outcome.

Mark Zuckerberg Got 28 Billion And All I Got Was This Lousy Hat

“Three people are responsible for this jobs killing outcome”, Limbaugh shouted on his nationally syndicated radio program, “Yelling Crap That I Make Up“, heard daily on E.I.B., the Everything In Bombast network, “OBAMA, OBAMA, OBAMA”, heard with difficulty over the sound of someone apparently pounding on a desk or equally dense object.

“Have I not warned, on these very air waves, that the goal of these Kenyan expats was, is, and always will be, to undermine necessary pillars of the American economy such as Facebook; without which we would be completely in the dark when a near stranger’s cat befriends a stray dog.”

“You skeptics out there”, continued Limbaugh, just getting warmed up, “Remember this come November. Who do you want as your President? A Kenyan, Malaysian, Muslim, Socialist, Communist who would go out of his way to deprive lawful Americans of the right to live in Farmville, or a President who can marshal the forces of Bain Capital to bring Facebook to its rightful level of $100 per share so the insiders can bail at a 500% profit.”

 

 

 

 

Santorum Assails “Godless Astronomers”

“Atheist Astronomers Blocking The Sun”

Running unopposed for a position he refers to as Pope In Chief, former Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has verbally attacked astronomers for blocking out the light of the Sun on Sunday (of all days) May 20th.

Robin! Come Quickly!

“Can’t these Godless Atheists leave well enough alone?” thundered Santorum from a homemade pulpit in his backyard in Intercourse, Pennsylvania, in front of an audience of neighborhood children and assorted pets. “God created the Sun to serve mankind, not to be a play toy for the riffraff of Academia” shouted the candidate in an effort to be heard over a fight that had broken out over one of the several Tim Tebow dolls in attendance.

“When I am Pope In Chief of this great land of ours, which hasn’t been so great these last four years, blocking out the sun, just because you learned how to do it in those high falutin’ astronomy classes, will be outlawed, along with sunspots, invented by that heretic, Galileo, that only serve to mar the golden disk of one of God’s greatest creations.”

Sensing that his increasingly restive audience was ready for something more relevant to their everyday experiences, Santorum added, “And to you, my fellow Intercoursians, in my future capacity as Pope In Chief, I plan to repeal the Law of Universal Gravitation, invented by that atheist, Issac Newton, so that none of you innocents shall, in the future ever have to again ‘go boom'”.

Shocker: Father Assaults George Zimmerman

Beat Crap Out Of Son After Shooting

Shocking news out of Sanford, Florida regarding NRA hero and “Stand Your Ground, And Shoot Indiscriminately” poster boy George Zimmerman. His father, a retired judge, took him home from the police station the night Zimmerman shot and killed an

George Zimmerman Showing Broken Nose And Black Eyes

unarmed teenager for violating the infrequently enforced Florida Gated Community rule of No Walking While Looking Suspicious, (NWWLS), and beat the hell out of George, giving him black eyes, a broken nose, and lacerations on the back of his head, according to family physician, Henry Heimlich.

“As a retired judge”, stated the elder Zimmerman, “I am of the opinion that justice delayed is justice denied. And, since George has now been properly punished for any fault on his part regarding this unfortunate event, I feel these ridiculous charges should be dropped and everyone should let bygones be bygones.”

When our reporter inquired of Mr. Zimmerman if he was actually expecting the parents of Travon Martin to shrug their shoulders and walk away from the killing of their son, Zimmerman replied, “I do. Because as much as I may sympathize with their loss, I feel that their efforts would be better expended backing those groups that are working toward gaining person-hood status for black people living in the great state of Florida.”

 

Romney Fights Back Against Hazing Accusers

“I Was Building Leadership Skills!!”

A feisty and emboldened Mitt Romney fought back against criticism from the Obama camp regarding his involvement in a prep school hazing incident in which a shy, mild mannered, lower classman was attacked and forcibly shorn.

Listen Pal, One More "Shedule" Out Of You And I'll Shave You Bald

“I LED THAT GROUP!”, shouted Republican candidate Romney at a hastily called press conference and impromptu NRA rally, on the front lawn of his new BFF, Ted Nugent. “I WAS A LEADER! A MAN AMONG MEN! I LED FIVE SENIORS TO ATTACK AN INNOCENT PERSON MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS. I WAS EXERCISING LEADERSHIP SKILLS BACK WHEN OBAMA WAS DOING WHAT? BUILDING GRASS HUTS IN KENYA AND COMMUTING TO INDONESIA TO SIT HIS ASS IN A MADRASS? WHICH I THOUGHT WAS IN INDIA BECAUSE I HEARD ABOUT A ‘MAN FROM MADRASS’, BUT NEVER MIND, AND WHEN I’M PRESIDENT OF THIS GREAT LAND, WHICH HASN’T BEEN SO GREAT FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS, I PLAN TO USE THOSE SAME LEADERSHIP SKILLS, HONED IN HIGH SCHOOL, TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF THE GREATEST LEADER OF ALL TIME, RONALD REAGAN.”

“WHO AMONG US HASN’T THRILLED TO RECALL WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE FIRST HEARD OF OUR GLORIOUS VICTORY, UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF RONALD REAGAN, OVER THE MASSIVE GRENADIAN MILITARY MACHINE?” AND I FOR ONE STILL GET GOOSE BUMPS RECALLING HOW OUR, MUCH MALIGNED PRESIDENT, GEORGE W. BUSH, SKILLFULLY ENGINEERED THE FALL OF PROUD AFGHANISTAN WHILE ENDEAVORING TO CATCH ONE PERSON, AND WITH THAT TASK WELL IN HAND, INVOKED THE ‘WE’RE RIGHT NEXT DOOR, SO WHY NOT’ DOCTRINE TO OVERTHROW SADDAM HUSSEIN, THE GREATEST THREAT TO WORLD PEACE SINCE ADOLPH HITLER OR BARACK OBAMA.”

“AND SO I SAY TO YOU, MY FELLOW AMERICANS, WHEN I’M PRESIDENT OF THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS, WHICH AS I MAY HAVE SAID, HASN’T BEEN SO GREAT THESE LAST FOUR YEARS, WITH THOSE LEADERSHIP SKILLS HONED ON THE BATTLEFIELDS OF STEVENS HALL, I PLAN TO CONTINUE TO HUNT DOWN AND INVADE THE PRIVACY OF THOSE WHO WOULD DARE TO BE DIFFERENT. SO LET THE WORD GO FORTH, IF YOU’RE IN SOME BACKWARD COUNTRY RUNNING AROUND SAYING ‘SHEDULE’ INSTEAD OF SCHEDULE, OR SAYING ‘SI SI’ INSTEAD OF WHATEVER THAT CRAP IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN, WATCH OUT. THE NEXT REPUBLICAN DEFENDER OF FREEDOM WILL BE RIGHT NEXT DOOR, READY TO DEFEND OUR FREEDOM TO TAKE AWAY YOURS.”

Shocker: Obama Refudiates Gay Marriage Decision

Blindsided By Bristol Palin Criticism

Saying “I was hurt and saddened” President Barack Obama has reversed his recent positive stance on the issue of Same Sex Marriage. “If I lose the ‘Unwed Alaskan Mother Who Now Earns Thirty Thousand Per Year Preaching Do As I Say Not As I Do’ vote, I’m sunk”, said the perhaps soon-to-be ex, President.

What Kind Of Example Is He To Our Nation's Children?

Supporting her daughter’s position, Sarah Palin stated, “Obama’s abandonizement of his recently stated endorsement of Same Sex Marriage underscoreiates his lack of concreteiation on major issues. Suppose the red phone rings in the middle of the night and he’s been tossing and turning in complete unsleepness over this issue.”

“What these same sex sissies need”, continued Palin, “is not a wedding dress but a snowmobile ride into the middle of nowhere to shoot a moose or two. Nothing will testosteroneize your outlook on the world and its problems like the killing of something innocent minding it’s own business. Kind of a ‘Stand Yours And Their Ground’ law.”

 

Shocker: Romney Attacks John Travolta!

Holds “Sissy” Down And Cuts Hair

“God that felt good”, exclaimed Republican candidate for President, and noted campaign cut-up, Mitt Romney, after chasing down John Travolta on a West Hollywood street and giving him a quick buzz cut. “It felt like I was back in high school. Ahh, memories.”

In High School I Studied To Be A Barber

When asked why he would do such a bizarre thing to a celebrity, Romney replied, “Ever since my high school days I could spot these “guys” a mile away and my natural, Republican instincts just take over. You can’t just have these types walking the streets with impunity.”

When our knowledgeable reporter pointed out to candidate Romney that recent studies show homo-phobics tend to have repressed same sex desires, the GOP front runner became quiet with a distant look in his eyes, and said, “You know, when I was holding him down…”

For his part, Mr. Travolta seemed to take it all good-naturedly. “At first I started to dial my lawyers, as usual, but then the tickling started and then it really wasn’t so bad.”