Needs Massive Updating
Free George Zimmerman - Triales Is To Expensiv
“The teachings of Jesus must be viewed in light of the changes that have taken place in society over the last two thousand years.” said NRA spokesperson Bonnie Clyde, she of the Clyde banking family, and last of the Clyde family. “A case in point is the misconception that Jesus and his Father were of the mind that ‘Thou shalt not kill’. That was written for, and directed at, the few people that existed on Earth at the time. God didn’t want everybody going around destroying his work lest he have to go through the whole Creation thing again. We have it on good authority that that Garden Of Eden misunderstanding left a sour taste in his mouth.”
“In today’s world, with the Earth holding seven billion people and growing”, continued Clyde, “neither God nor Jesus cares that much about a few killings here and there. Its their opinion that the fewer mouths to feed, the less wailing and gnashing of teeth they have to listen to. They’ve gotten pretty tired of feeding starving multitudes, you know.”
“So in effect George Zimmerman was doing the Lord’s work, that night in Sanford, Florida. And we, The NRA, stand ready to resupply our boy George with whatever he needs to carry on his good work. We are also gratified to learn that, should he be convicted, Harold Camping is pulling strings to get our hero raptured right out of his cell, ASAP.”
“The Ungrateful Slut”
“I MADE HER! SHE WOULD STILL BE A NOBODY WITHOUT ME!”, yelled Rush Limbaugh on his nationally syndicated radio program, “Yelling Crap That I Make Up”, not to be confused with Bill O’Reilly’s TV program of the same name.
The Inquirer Said She Was Honeymooning Around Here Somewhere
It appears that Sandra Fluke became the object of Limbaugh’s renewed wrath after she announced her engagement and mentioned that despite repeated requests since the announcement, Mr. Limbaugh would not be getting intimate photos of her wedding night.
When our reporter reached Limbaugh and asked what Kathryn thought of him requesting intimate photos and videos of strangers, the moral compass of the Party of Nixon replied, “Who?”
“Your wife Kathryn.”
“Yes, your fourth wife, Kathryn.”
“Oh, Kathryn…yes she is number four…I mean my wife. Well, I don’t know what she thinks yet. I haven’t talked to her since this thing started. I mean, I didn’t even live in the same house with number three, so just because I sit in front of a microphone all day doesn’t mean I’m a great communicator.”
George W Bush About To Endorse Candidate
Breaking his self imposed silence regarding the Republican primary elections, former Republican president George W Bush has indicated that he is about to endorse a candidate within the next few days, throwing the remaining campaigns into full panic mode.
Mr. Ferrell, We Need To Speak To Mr. Bush Immediately
When contacted, Bush spokesperson, Simon Simple, admitted that the process appears to be more complicated than previously thought. “We assumed we would just contact our chosen candidate to arrange a time and place for a mutual appearance. What has been happening though is that the Romney camp is telling us Ron Paul is a better choice and Ron Paul is telling us Gingrich is the way to go. We tried to get a hold of Newt, but his number has been disconnected.”
“Strangely enough”, continued Simple, “we have been getting much advice from the Obama campaign, who have been advising us not to take sides, but to instead make ads endorsing each of the candidates as worthy of carrying on the work of the Cheney/Bush Presidency.”
Dancing With The Candidate
With the Gingrich campaign running a deficit and pictures with the candidate not selling well, a new fundraising idea, “Dancing With The Candidate” will be rolled out shortly, announced Gingrich campaign financial watchdog, Sylvester Spreadsheet.
“We bounced around quite a few ideas”, continued Spreadsheet, “along with a few checks, including having the candidate stick his head through a cut-out while the sweaty masses threw balloons filled with god knows what at him. Callista nixed that one over concerns regarding the laundry bill. It was my favorite though when I thought of the money we could raise if we opened it up to Romney and Obama supporters.”
“In the end though we decided on DWTC since Newt already has ‘Dancing Queen’ as his ringtone, and, though no one has probably noticed, Newt could use a little exercise.”
Discovers Yellow Sea
North Korea is bursting with pride after announcing to their people that the Great Rocket Of Exploration has discovered the Yellow Sea. Throngs of ecstatic citizens jammed Malnutrition Square to cheer the news; many newly arrived from the countryside, skipping their traditional breakfast of chicken dung in order to attend.
North Korea - Come For The Launch, Stay For The Famine
“Oh Glorious Day” shouted farmer Hung Dong, descendant of the long Dong clan stretching back to the Wang Dynasty. “Can the discovery, by our glorious leaders, of the Pacific Ocean be far behind?” Dong’s wife Nookie attempted to shush him as he launched into an extemporaneous haiku on how he would gladly endure a malnutrition induced cataract in his other eye if it would further discoveries such as this.
In a related development, designed to assuage concerns about North Korea’a ability to feed its people, the government has announced a food production breakthrough that will allow farmers such as the aforementioned Hung Dong, to leave farming completely and take one of the good paying jobs about to open up in the new, government subsidized Soylent Green factory.
Part Of Anti Union Master Plan
As a continuation of his plan to eliminate school custodians by hiring students, Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has offered his services as legal counsel to Florida vigilante George Zimmerman.
Or If Martin Had Been Working At My New Moon Base...
“We see Mr. Zimmerman as a harbinger of a future wherein our communities no longer need expensive, taxpayer funded unionized police forces, but instead are defended by brave, volunteer, and best of all, unpaid vigilantes”, said Gingrich spokesperson, Isabella Insolvent, one of the Insolvent sisters and heir to the Insolvent banking empire.
“We look to a brighter future”, continued Insolvent, “Where the children of the poor are in school all day and then spend long hours at their custodial duties earning less than minimum wage; while their older brothers work a minimum wage job and then in their free time patrol the gated communities of the wealthy with no thought to their own safety or financial well being.”
“It is also Mr. Gingrich’s opinion that if Trayvon Martin had been bumping a union custodian and cleaning a school on the night he assaulted our brave vigilante, instead of ‘Walking While Black’, everyone involved would be much better off.”
Mulls Over New Name For November
Taking a cue from job hunting twenty somethings who change their name in order to hide their less than socially acceptable Facebook enshrined past from potential employers, Mitt Romney has been casting about, asking Republican insiders for renaming suggestions designed to mislead those on the sane side of the political spectrum into thinking he isn’t the person who spent a few hundred million dollars convincing the yahoo wing of the Party of Nixon that his first act as President of this great country of ours will be to trash the institutions that make up this great country of ours.
The brain trust of the Republican Party, otherwise known as the Public Relations department of Koch Industries, parent company of the GOP, initially came up with “Duplicitous Bastard” but dropped it immediately when one of their group, who has had some contact with the outside world, pointed out that the term “Duplicitous” is only considered an honorific within the Republican inner circle.
“Obama Killer” was suggested by the NRA faction, but was withdrawn when it was suggested that outside of the Republican Party, killing is not generally entertained as the first solution to a problem.
An elegant solution was eventually devised that would perhaps be the least messy. Simply drop the “Mitt” and go with the candidate’s real first name, which is “Willard”, and thus present a completely new candidate to appeal to Independents.
Unfortunately this “new candidate” idea created its own problem. How to explain to Republican Blotto Heads what happened to “Mitt”. One proposed solution was to say that he went off to fight in Afghanistan, to which the immediate reaction was, “Yeah, right. Like anybody’s going to believe a rich Republican would end up fighting one of the wars that we start. That’s for the lower downs that we fool every election year.”
In the end it was decided that the Republican Blotto Head population would be told that Mitt has gone off to Africa in search of that rarest of the rare; an Obama birth certificate that will be acknowledged as genuine by Birther queen, Orly Taitz.
Christ Out – Golden Calf In
“Too wimpy” is how Republican National Committee spokesperson, Beulah Vulgate, cousin to Vinnie Vulgate, AKA My Cousin Vinnie, described Jesus Christ and the church he founded, as seen through the eyes of the modern Republican voter. “When you read The New Testament” continued Vulgate, “You’d think they were writing about Jimmy Carter”.
When reached for comment, Santorum spokesperson Wanda Magdalene, direct decedent of Mary, said “When you read some of the crap that Jesus said and did”, you have the same reverse peristalsis reaction as candidate Santorum did upon reading JFK’s defense of the Establishment Clause in The First Amendment”.
“All this stuff about ‘the poor’, ‘the needy’. Screw them! If they were stupid enough to not be born rich, then they can go, pardon the expression, to hell” declared Magdalene.
When our reporter timidly asked if this means the modern Republican Party, the party of Nixon, was eschewing Christianity completely, Magdalene, after receiving a brief explanation on the meaning of “eschewing”, replied, “No, quite the contrary. With the help of Koch Industries, parent company of the Republican Party, we are mounting a world wide campaign to call in all crucifixes, and replace them, free of charge, with genuine Golden Calves, the worship of which is expected to begin upon receipt.”
Challenges Romney To Duel
With his campaign in such desperate financial straits that even well-wishers are passing on paying $50 for a picture with the candidate, Newt Gingrich is going for broke in the Republican sweepstakes for the Presidential nomination by challenging the current front runner, Mitt Romney, to a duel.
“Since Newt Challenged”, said Gingrich campaign spokesperson, Chester Cashstrap, the other camp will get to choose the weapon. We are hoping they’ll opt for Sumo wrestling, but we assume the odds of that are, pardon the pun, slim.”
“Slim is right!”, shot back Romney spokesperson, Greta Saltlake, last of the Utah Saltlake clan. “It looks like Newt’s been getting ready for a Sumo match for quite some time. We are inclined however, in keeping with the spirit of the current campaign, to choose paintball guns, filled with manure, at ten paces.”
When reached for comment regarding this strange turn of events, in an already strange campaign, Democratic National Committee spokesperson, Don Key replied, “I thought they were already using manure filled paintball guns”.
Runs Instead For “Pope In Chief”
Perhaps as a continuation of a mysterious medical reaction that caused him to want to “throw up” upon discovering that JFK respected the intent of the Establishment Clause contained within the first amendment to the Constitution of The United States, Republican Rick Santorum has inexplicably cast aside his quest for the GOP Presidential nomination and has instead focused on creating and filling an office that his campaign describes as “Pope In Chief of The United States of America”.
“Rome is just too far to go when you need a Pope” declared Santorum campaign spokesperson, Noah Yesah, last of the Biblical Yesah lineage. And besides, here in America we need a young Pope; one who can relate to today’s youth with their Tweets or Twats, or whatever that stuff is called.”
When asked what the first function of the presumptive Pope In Chief would be, Yesah replied, “Tax cuts for the rich, and then a crash program to breed ever smaller camels better able to pass through the eye of a needle.”