Cash Strapped Campaign Buying Mega Millions Tickets
In an unprecedented political fundraising tactic the Republican Presidential campaign of Newt Gingrich has begun buying Mega Millions tickets with an eye toward using its potential payoff to continue Newt’s primary fight to the GOP convention this summer.
“Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat” gushed Abigail Accrual, accountant to the Gingrich campaign and distant cousin of the Accrual sisters, “There’s half a billion dollars here. Can you imagine the mud we could purchase and sling with that kind of money?”
“Why with the air time Newt could buy”, continued Accrual, “he could convince these Tea Bagger yahoos that he’s a fresh face who’s only been married once, and that the Pope’s not Catholic on top of it if he wanted to.”
When our reporter was able to get a word in edgewise, he gently pointed out that winning a lottery, played by millions of people, is a thin reed upon which to balance a Presidential campaign, Accrual replied, “Geesh, If you think that’s a long shot, try taking a three times married candidate through the Bible Belt preaching ‘Sanctity of Marriage’.”
Proposed Florida Law To Make Killing Black Person Illegal
In the wake of the shooting and killing of an unarmed black teen by a vigilante in a Florida gated community, a nascent Florida human rights group, Black People Are Humans Too, has put forth the radical, for Florida, suggestion that a law should be passed to make the killing of a black person a crime in the state of Florida. There is
Florida Race Relations - Between One Man And One Woman
talk of tying this proposal to a bill that has been slowly working its way through the Florida legislature for years that, if passed, would provide a path to citizenship for African illegals whose ancestors, in search of a better life, stowed away in holds of cargo ships hundreds of years ago.
Proponents of these measures are hopeful of passage within their lifetimes and of expansion of their intent into kindred states such as Texas and Georgia. These proponents have been advised by their doctors to not hold their breath.
When our reporter went into the streets of Florida for citizen reaction the collective response was, “There’s too many laws already! We got the ‘No Walking While Hoodied’ prohibition passed a couple of years ago, and we’re thinking of maybe adding a ‘No Walking While Eating Watermellon’ clause. But that’s it! Once we get the guard towers built and the vigilantes have rifles with night scopes, we’re all set. We don’t need no more damn northern liberals makin’ laws fer us’ins”
Heard It Came From A Liberal
Yelling “I don’t want the damn thing”, former acting President (2000 – 2008) Dick Cheney made quite a stir during his first appearance on FOX (pardon the expression) “news”, after receiving a life saving heart transplant from a previously anonymous donor.
“Can you imagine making public appearances on behalf of candidates for whom the Holy Grail is the abolishment of Social Security, and Medicare while within my chest beats the heart of a liberal?”, yelled Cheney on Bill O’Reilly’s FOX “news” TV version of “Yelling Crap That I Make Up”. “Even the ‘I Believe’ types who swallow the crap that comes out of FOX might experience some cognitive dissonance over that.”
When O’Reilly pointed out that the President’s new health care plan would not allow returns, and that the former acting President was probably stuck with his new heart, Cheney broke down and cried, “Then I’m off to see the Wizard”.
With news of an unarmed black teen being killed by a self appointed vigilante in one of Florida’s many gated communities, Republican Presidential hopefuls have been quick to respond.
“We were lucky to get the last Etch A Sketch in Florida.”, gushed Rick Santorum campaign aide, Hezekiah Exodus. “Oh, you mean that dust up in Sanford. Well, things happen.” When, in frustration, our reporter was able to question the candidate himself, Santorum testily replied, “What does this have to do with abortion?”
“Our campaign always had several Etch A Sketches available”, said Gingrich aide Amanda Pennypinch, one of the Pennypinch sisters. “They reboot much quicker, and are cheaper than laptops. Newt can’t really tell the difference anyway.” When pressed about the events in Sanford, Ms Pennypinch replied, “I thought Sanford was off TV.”
“Yes, we are saddened by news of the killing from Sanford, FL”, said Romney aide, Bring’em Young. We take solace in Mormon teaching that black people don’t feel pain the way humans do. We also take solace in the knowledge that Bain Capital bought out Toys R Us before this mystifying run on Etch A Sketches began. We don’t have a clue as to what could have started it, wink, wink, but the extra money will buy some nice attack ads during the rest of the campaign.”
While endorsing Mitt Romney former Florida governor, Jeb Bush, one of the Bush brothers, said he was quite saddened by the recent “events” in Sanford, FL. “It just pains me to think that future Republican retirees may be forming the impression that Florida’s hundreds of gated communities are unsafe due to an inability to keep out the riffraff. With that in mind I have been imploring my political contacts to increase the number of vigilantes and to arm them with more powerful weapons so that they don’t need to approach a suspect but can pick them off from a safe distance.”
Ohio Art Company Rolls Out Lawyers
Saying “We don’t want our products to be associated with anything as tawdry as the current Republican Presidential primary”, Ohio Art Company spokesperson E. A. Sketch said at a hastily called press conference that a cease and desist letter has been sent to the Romney campaign advising them of legal repercussion if their candidate’s mental process continues to be compared to a toy that has brought joy to millions of children and many a Republican Blotto Head.
“The cesspool that has become the Republican Party is no place for a wholesome, educational, toy loved by children everywhere. The Ohio Art Company has produced Etch A Sketch since 1960 and we are not about to allow our product to be caught in the crossfire of the paint ball war played with manure into which the Republican primary has devolved.”
When asked about the controversy, Mitt said, “At times such as this I draw strength from one of the guiding lights of my childhood, and just smile and say ‘What, me worry?'”
Discovers Higgs Boson
“God is Great!” shouted Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum shortly after accidentally upstaging the Godless physicists at CERN in their quest for the “God Particle” known as the Higgs Boson.
Voted Most Likely To Split Atom
“I was just pounding my Bible as usual at a campaign stop when all of a sudden I must have split an atom or two, and these particles jumped out. They looked like M&Ms except they had HB stamped on them. I’m going to make some more tonight to see how they taste.”
“I’m so thrilled that God Almighty chose me, his humble servant, to witness this momentous discovery, and not those Godless atheists in that hole in the ground in Switzerland.”
“And where do they get off calling it the Large Hadron Collider? Are they making gay porno over there or what?”
Thought GOP Magic 8 Ball Still At RNC
Saying “This changes everything”, Republican Presidential contender Rick Santorum is expressing doubts about governing without the Magic 8 Ball that has served every Republican president since Eisenhower.
“It was a necessary part of Republican governance”, said Santorum at a campaign stop in Ear-Of-Corn, Iowa.” Eisenhower used it to great effect when deciding to start the Vietnam War, overthrow the democratically elected president of Iran and install his brother, the Shaw, and to overthrow the democratically elected president of Guatemala and install a military dictatorship.”
“Nixon used it extensively when making decisions ranging from the Vietnam War to burglarizing the Democratic National Committee headquarters. And Reagan used it skillfully to get 283 marines blown up in their barracks in Lebanon and cut the government’s income in order to eliminate the national debt. Reagan said it would ‘trickle down’ and we are seeing it trickle down on us to this very day.”
Continued Santorum spokesperson Ezekiel Brimstone, “Of course it was used so extensively during the W. Bush years that it was constantly being sent out for repairs, and, hard as this may be to believe, the White House lost track of it. Thus, neither Bush nor Cheney had a clue as to how to end their wars that have gone on three time longer than WWII.”
When our reporter inquired after the possible whereabouts of this magical governance aid, a Santorum spokesperson said, “We heard a rumor that it was sold on eBay and as far as is known it is being used in Syria at this moment, with predictable results.”
Claims Workplace Prerogative
“THIS IS TYPICAL LIBERAL MISSINFORMATION!” yelled Rush Limbaugh on his Clear Channel radio program, “Yelling Crap That I Make Up”, heard daily on EIB, the Everything In Bombast Network.
I've Had Two Wives. No Wait, That Doesn't Sound Right. I Know It's More Than Two...
“JESUS H CHRIST! I’M INSIDE A RADIO STUDIO ALL DAY LONG!!” yelled the spiritual head of The Party of Nixon. “AS THE SAYING GOES, ‘PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN WINDOWLESS HOUSES ARE ALLOWED TO THROW STONES’!”
When our somewhat intimidated reporter timidly asked if His Eminence ever ventures forth from his windowless bailiwick, Limbaugh replied, “JUST TO GET DIVORCED AND REMARRIED. SO THAT MAKES IT THREE…NO WAIT…WOW, I GUESS IT IS FOUR TIMES. WELL, GOTTA RUN. I’M RECORDING MATERIAL FOR A PROGRAM ON THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT!”
“It’s Used To Support Atheism”
“There are holes in the Germ Theory of Disease” declared Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum. “It doesn’t explain everything, such as what germ did Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston die from?”
“When I’m elected President of these great United States none of these theories, dredged from the cesspools of knowledge, will be allowed to pollute the Biblical truth that I will use as our country’s guiding light.” My first act will be to declare null and void the Theory of Evolution, The Germ Theory of Disease, The Theory of Plate Tectonics , The Theory of Relativity, The Theory of Universal Gravitation, and any other theory those Godless Liberal intellectuals come up with that doesn’t conform to Biblical teaching. Such teachings as, ‘The Earth is fixed, it does not move’.”
When our brave reporter asked future president Santorum what he would do about the economy, he replied, “The what?”
Says All Women Are Sluts. Not Just Sandra Fluke
Limbaugh Picks A Winner At Superbowl XLVI
Saying that he apologizes for seeming to single out Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke for his valued and esteemed criticism, GOP guiding light, kingmaker, and lean, mean, talking machine, Rush Limbaugh (real name Rushington Lamebrow III) has stated on his daily radio program that he is sorry if anyone misinterpreted his lighthearted, comedic remarks as being directed at one person. “They’re all sluts and prostitutes” yelled Limbaugh on his Clear Channel radio program “Yelling Crap That I Make Up”. “Every last one of them, especially the ones my friends and I met in The Dominican Republic, but I’m not complaining about them. Those girls sneak out of Junior High and work hard for their money; not laying around begging for a government handout.”
“I’ve only met four women in my entire life who weren’t sluts and prostitutes, and I was so impressed that I married all of them. They were model Republican women, even number three who wouldn’t live in the same house with me, so I had to buy the one next door. But that’s no big deal when you have a program with as many sponsors as I do. What’s that Mr. Snidely? They are? When did this happen and why? Why wasn’t I told?”
“Folks, as I have said many times on this very program, I strongly support a woman’s right to blah blah blah. There that should fix everything.”