Santorum Demands Obama Certificate

Begins “Muslimer” Movemet

In response to a campaign stop assertion by an audience member that President Obama has no right to serve because he is “an avowed Muslim”, Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has begun calling for President Obama to release his “I am not an avowed Muslim” certificate. “The American people deserve nothing less”, stated Santorum.

The “Muslimer” movement quickly formed among excited audience members but then ran into trouble outside the hall when it clashed with a group of Birthers claiming infringement. Said Birther spokesperson Victoria Jackson, “We don’t want another ‘er’ movement blurring the lines between fact and fantasy. We wouldn’t want people thinking we’re a bunch of loonies”.

On a positive note, the original questioner, Granny Gump, the last of the Gump sisters, has been offered her own spot on FOX (pardon the expression) “news” where her views will be accepted as mainstream gospel by millions of viewers looking for a fresh “er” behind which to rally.

Quandry: SC Voters Want Newt But Not Callista

Home Wrecker For First Lady?

“Jesus H Christ” said born again fundamentalist Christian, Bathsheba Bedrock, “Overlooking the fact that Newt was cheating on his wife with a staffer while leading a pack of baying hounds intent on bringing down the Presidency of Bill Clinton for cheating on his wife with a staffer, he certainly couldn’t be a worse president than Bush Junior, but do you really want a first lady who isn’t a lady?”

“She was lounging in the wife’s sheets while he was on the phone saying goodnight to her? When they say ‘Men are pigs’, nobody claims otherwise, but what happened to ‘No. You’re a married man?'”

When reached for comment former President Bill Clinton said, “Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha”, etc, etc.

 

Obama To Start Unfunded War

Seeks To Appeal To Disillusioned Republicans

With the Republican leg of the 2012 Presidential campaign well underway, rumor has it that one of President Obama’s reelection strategies will be to attract Republican voters who are put off by the nastiness of the current GOP infighting. Said White House spokesperson Manny Portico, “Our goal is to get disaffected Republicans feeling that President Obama is one of them.”

“This administration inherited the massive deficit left by the Bush years.” continued Portico, “So he’s already got that in his back pocket and doesn’t have to quadruple it as Reagan did, or double that as George W did.  Now our strategists feel that an unfunded war or two should move many more wavering Republicans into the Obama column.”

“It’s an delicate strategy”, said Don Key, DNC spokesperson. “The Reagan version of the Party Of Nixon is supported by the three pillars of Deficits, War, and Racism. The deficit leg has been handed to Obama by Bush on a silver platter. Bombing Iran would satisfy Republicans on the war issue. But the racist piece of the puzzle will be somewhat trickier. “I have heard rumors”, continued Key, “that the President will move gingerly into that area by subtly changing the spelling of his name to O’Bama.”

 

Shocker: Gingrich Boosts Romney Campaign

We’ll Take It! says Romney

Republican Presidential front runner du jour Mitt Romney received a surprising but welcomed boost from “Transformational figure” and political rival Newt Gingrich, in the form of a documentary/attack ad that portrays Romney as a businessman who put greed and selfishness ahead of the well being of his employees and that of the greater community.

“We’ve been fighting the claim that Mitt Romney is not a real Republican ever since this campaign began”, declared Romney spokesperson, Joseph Smith, recently chair of the council of Latter Day Political Consultants. “Now Gingrich uses his own PAC money to prove Mitt’s Republican bona fides? WTF?? But we’ll take it!!!”

“We goofed”, said Matilda Flubadub, Gingrich’s fourth press secretary in as many weeks. “Even we have underestimated how far the ‘Party of Lincoln’ has fallen. We overlooked that we are now in an era where ‘I executed an innocent person’ and ‘I closed the factory down and shipped the jobs to China’ are Republican applause lines.”

“But”, continued Flubadub, “we learn from our mistakes. We’re working on a new attack ad showing Romney, as governor of Massachusetts, collecting enough taxes to cover expenses, lowering his state’s deficit, and using state resources to benefit the greater citizenry as opposed to the wealthiest . If that doesn’t turn real Republicans against him nothing will.”

 

Shocker: Bush Funding Perry Campaign

“Makes Me Look Smart”

“Don’t missunderestimate this guy”, garbled George W. Bush from his ranch in Obscurityville, Texas. “He has the ability cut taxes, increase deficits, and start wars like all get-out. I’m glad I’m not running against him. I might need my daddy’s Supreme Court again.”

When our reporter asked why a safely retired president would use his own money to back another politician, former Appointee in Chief, Bush replied, “When I was at Yale some frat brothers and I were walking to the local bar, again, and a classroom window was open enough for me to hear a professor mention to his class that Roman emperors used to make sure they were succeeded by the toga wearing equivalent of the village idiot in order to make the rabble long for ‘Good old so and so’. I might be four years late in trying the same thing but then better late than never. Look how long it took me to finally get Bin Laden!”

Newt Launches New Tactic

To Emphasize Sanctity Of Marriage

With Anti Gay Marriage darling Rick Santorum threatening to supplant Newt as the Conservative choice in the Republican Presidential race, Newt Gingrich has seen the need to appeal to the most right wing Republican voters and has thus chosen to champion the cause of “Sanctity of Marriage”.

“Who better than someone who has been sanctified by marriage three times to carry the torch?”, said Thelma Nuptial, spokesperson to the Gingrich campaign. “With Romney and his paltry one marriage you’re getting an amateur, and as we found with our last Republican president, the last thing you want in the White House is an amateur.”

“Newt’s my man!”, declared Rush Limbaugh, the heart, soul, and guiding light of the Party of Nixon. “I’ve been sanctified by marriage four times and I can tell you we need someone in The White House who’s been there to understand the need to get these Marital Property Rights laws abolished.”