Why Weren’t We Told?
“During Kim Jong il’s long reign as supreme leader of North Korea”, announced Hennessy Cognac R Us spokesperson Percy Seenoevil. “We were proud to supply him with $800,000 worth of cognac per year while his
peasants, I mean, citizens were starving. But we didn’t know. The representatives we negotiated with looked well fed. How were we to know? We tend to watch FOX ‘news’ which is full of more important things, such as Sara Palin and the attack of the Muslim, Kenyan, Hitlerian, Communist Christmas Card.”
“We know how hard it is to lead a country, what with the varying demands of congresses, unions, elections, diplomacy. We thought a little cognac would help smooth the way”, said assistant Hennessy spokesperson, Chauncey Hearnoevil. “We assumed those reports of seven and eight year old children going blind from cataracts due to malnutrition were just typical North Korean humor. You know, along the lines of ‘We are going to kill you.”
“Well, we may be capitalists through and through but at times such as this, when some bad publicity may hurt our bottom line”, said second assistant spokesperson, Amelda Speaknoevil, “we are wiling to step up and do the right thing. To that end we are shredding all relevant correspondence and are, from this point onward, considering the matter closed.”
Cut Fat Say Leaders
“Too much lard”, says Roger Ailes, chief Republican spinmeister of FOX “news”, heard daily in boardrooms and trailer parks across America.
“TOO MUCH PORK”, YELLED Rush Limbaugh, chief Republican spinmeister of “Yelling Crap That I Make Up”, heard daily on E.I.B. the Everything In Bombast network.
“Too much lard and pork”, says Karl Rove, chief Republican spinmeister of the Bush presidency.
“Too much fat, lard, and pork, says Chris Christie, chief Republican spinmeister of New Jersey.
Jumps Back In Presidential Race
“Todd and I were sitting around the other day and I just said ‘Oh, What the heck”, the half term governor and failed Vice Presidential candidate explained by way of describing her “thought process” regarding the bewildering switch from “No, I am not a candidate” to “Wait a minute. Yeah, Why not? OK, I am a candidate”.
“I won’t be the first politician to refudiate earlier pronouncementations”, glared the feisty moose killer, when our refudiation sensitive reporter asked if saying no then saying yes would sit well with a nation that tends to value mental stability in it’s leaders.
“I didn’t rise to the heights of Republican Tea Baggerdom by campaigning on a platform of mental stability”, continued Palin. “When you propose to lead a political party that criticizes people for being moderate, mental and stability are oxymoronic.”
I’m Not Romney Either
Saying she is just as qualified to claim to be “Not Romney” as the next guy, Failed governor and failed Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin is testing the waters for another run for the White House.
“With the bar lowered to just being ‘Not Mitt’, I’m an automatic front runner”, claimed Palin at a hastily called news conference on the Alaskan promontory from which the erstwhile patriot keeps an eye on Russia.
“I have to admit to an ulterior motive”, Palin confessed. “I plan to partner with Donald Trump to take over the entire Republican campaign and turn it into a reality show to be called, “I’m Not Mitt. Take Me To Be Your Leader”.
Interview Quickly Goes Off Track
“I knew the question was coming and I just didn’t want to deal with it” steamed the Republican candidate for President of the United States after he bolted from the set of a CNN interview with Gloria Borger. “I just sensed that I was about to be asked why I hadn’t released my birth certificate, and I just decided I didn’t need to prove to anyone that I was born in Texas.”
“I mean, if those racist newsletters I used to put out as campaign literature twenty some years ago don’t prove that I was born in The Lone Star State sufficiently to these uppity Eastern Liberals, then I don’t know what will.”
When reached for comment, Perry campaign spokesperson, Gabby Haze opined that candidate Paul may have more to hide than meets the eye. “If you really want to delve into Paul’s past you may want to contact Orly Taitz. She has some interesting information regarding his Kenyan roots.”
Wife Number Three In Shock
“When Newt stood beside me, looked into my eyes, and said, ‘Till death do us part’, I had no reason to doubt his sincerity”, said Wife Number Three. “Men are so unpredictable”.
“It all started with his campaign stop in Chicks Corner, New Hampshire”, continued WNT. He looked out at the various young women in the crowd, calling his name, and said to me that he was ‘Starting to love his country too much, again’. I noticed it too and suggested that he make sure to stand behind the podium.”
“That set off an argument, with him saying that would defeat the whole purpose of campaigning, getting out to ‘press the flesh’, and kissing babies or whoever is handy. So I guess some lucky girl is going to get to be Wife Number Four, and he and Limbaugh can continue their stupid contest.”
When our brave reporter asked if Newt’s recent “No Adultery” vow would bring the candidate to his senses, WNT replied, “Christ sake, he’s a politician. You know the ethics of that crowd.”
Romney Camp Cries Foul!
With Gingrich’s current wife Callista tweeting negativity about her husband’s chief rival in the race for the Republican Presidential nomination, the Gingrich campaign has signaled a new tactic that has the Romney side up in arms.
“We have it on good authority”, said Romney spokesperson, Hillary Cumorah, “that Newt plans to roll out his considerable stable of ex wives, mistresses, and one night stands, to unfairly attack Mitt on the specious grounds that he has had only one wife and no known mistresses because women find him unattractive. We understand these women for Newt, who have banded together and call themselves ‘Newters’, plan to air a series of attack ads claiming that if Mitt were really ‘Family Values’ he’d have been out there trying to create more than one family.”
When this reporter contacted “The Newts” regarding the charges outlined by Hillary Cumorah, they laughed and said they have no plans to produce any attack ads. “Our only reason for coming together”, said Wife Number Two, was to back up Mariah Carey on a Christmas song to be titled, ‘All I Want For Christmas Is Newt’.”
Iowans voting for wrong character
With it slowly dawning on Iowa Republicans that Newt Gingrich is NOT the GEICO gecko, Newt’s ratings have begun falling “Like a fat hog atop a greased barn roof in the middle of an Iowa corn field”, said local farmer, Melvin Goodearth.
“Shucks”, continued Goodearth, “We was thinkn’ we was votin’ fer the little guy with the Limey accent. We don’t want no slimy newt.
“Ain’t never been no newt what done give me lower car insurance”, said Pervis Sixpak, from atop his shiny new John Deere. “Ifn we done want a newt we’ll go check the swamp.”
When asked to comment on Newt’s problems with the Iowa electorate, Romney spokesperson Hillary Cumorah said, “We are aware of the problems Newt’s name is causing in this state and have learned from it. We are already making subtle changes to Willard Romney’s campaign ads.”
The Last True Conservative
“What wasn’t there to like about the guy” said Republican candidate Newt Gingrich. “He kept liberals in their place, and by place I mean prison. We could learn a thing or two from him.”
“HE SPENT ALL THE COUNTRY’S MONEY ON THE MILITARY”, Yelled Speedy Gonzalesbaugh, on his nationwide radio show, “Yelling Crap That I Make Up”, heard on E.I.B., the Everything In Bombast network. “NOTHING WASTED ON SOCIAL SECURITY, MEDICARE, EDUCATION, ETC.”
“I’ll personally miss him”, lamented Sarah Palin, former half term governor of Alaska. “I considered him a neighbor since I could look out my window and see his house.”
With the public losing interest in hearing, for the umpteenth time, what a paradise the United States would be if we could only get rid of that pesky federal government as has been done in the enlightened states of Somalia and Afghanistan, the Republican debates may be headed in a more entertaining direction.
The first step in that direction will be the “Donald Trump” debate wherein each candidate will vie with Donald to get a word in edgewise regarding why they would make a better president than he. After which Mr. Trump will pronounce selected candidates as unfit to carry his briefcase.
Moving on to the next logical step from that encounter, the survivors will compete in a special edition of Dancing With The Stars in which they will presumably be the stars. “It’s a huge risk on our part said DWTS executive Tallulah Syncopation. Our normal audience is used to stars the likes of Ron Artest and Chaz Bono. We’re going to have to run some promos to tell our regular viewers who these people are and let them know there’s an election next year.”
Said Republican National Committee spokesperson Snidely Whiplash, “By then the field should be whittled down sufficiently for our grand finale. We plan to scrap the boring primaries altogether and choose our candidate in a closed cage mud wrestling contest. Aired on FOX of course.”