Many “Glad They’re On Their Way Out”
It’s a familiar refrain heard in the few remaining pockets of Republican sanity. “I’m glad I’m on my way out!” wailed anonymous, from upstate New York, referring to her desire to leave this Earth rather than listen to another Republican ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ sermon. “I’m almost done with politicians in general, they all s**t in the same pot!”
When asked for specifics regarding her disillusionment with the Party of Nixon, Anonymous replied, “These so called candidates aren’t running an election campaign. They’re running a reality show called The Biggest Sinner. First one lying philanderer is leading and two days later it’s another.”
When this reporter pointed out that Mitt Romney seems to be reasonably “sin free”, Anonymous said, “Don’t count on it. Mitt has realized that sin is big in the GOP these days so he’s openly bragging that Utah, home of his parents and religion, has the highest rate of online pornography subscription of any U.S. state. But, on the plus side, thanks to Mitt publicizing this, tourism to Utah is up 69%.”
Adopts New Moniker: Herm The Sperm
Saying “If it’s honesty the voters want then this is as honest as Herman Cain gets”, The Republican contender for President of the United States has officially changed his name from Herman Cain to Herm The Sperm. The candidate has also adopted a new get tough attitude toward the press. When asked by this reporter if he had any plans to withdraw from the race, the candidate grabbed his crotch and snarled “Withdraw This!”.
When reached for comment, Herm The Sperm’s campaign manager Chloe The ****, stated that the candidate considered the issue to be one of honesty toward the voters and the hell with one’s wife. “We’ve discovered this tone resonating with Republican voters across the gender and economic spectrum”, continued ****. It seems to dovetail with the modern Party of Nixon attitude of ‘I got mine, the hell with everybody else’.
The quickly shifting sands of the Republican primary has caused at least one other candidate to consider dropping out. “I don’t know if I can flip and flop fast enough for these Tea Baggers”, said contender Mitt Romney. “First they want ‘Family Values’ then they want adultery; I just can’t keep up. We’ve changed my Wikipedia biography so many times my Wiki staffer has carpal tunnel syndrome. I may just throw in the towel and go back to whatever it was I did before I got involved in this crap.”
Lawyer: Too Costly To Sue Individually
With the head count rising daily in the Cain / Gingrich “The Biggest Sinner” reality show, Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain has been advised by his lawyer, Fernando de Facto, to drop out of the Presidential race and file a class action lawsuit against his multitudinous sexual harassment accusers, saying that by their willful pursuit of the truth they have cost Mr. Cain a shot at every Republican boy’s dream; to grow up to one day become President and start his own war.
“We’re renting the Los Angeles Coliseum in order to get the women in one spot so we can get a head count”, continued de Facto, “Considering the numbers Mr. Cain has spoken of privately, if we only get a couple hundred dollars from each of them the candidate will still clear more than the President makes in a year.”
When asked what would be the incentive for these women to congregate in The Coliseum in order to be sued, de Facto replied, “Well, obviously we’re not telling them anything truthful up front. We’ll say that it’s being sponsored by Oprah and that the first 50,000 will get a new car. Mr. Cain and I have agreed that it’s a little late in the game to start being truthful.”
To Be Replaced With Nixon
“What happened to my Republican Party?” said the ghost of Abraham Lincoln through medium, Crystal Ball, sole owner of Seances R Us. “We Republicans, and my presidency went into the history books for freeing the slaves, for making the black people equal. Now that a black man holds the same office that I did we should be celebrating, not birtherizing, congratulating, not hate mongering.”
In a line that seemed to be taken directly from The Brothers Karamazov, Republican National Committee spokesperson, Snidely Whiplash said, “I have an appointment with Crystal Ball and through her I’m going to tell this Lincoln person that thanks to Nixon’s ‘Southern Strategy’ we’ve got things well in hand now, and he can go back to wherever he came from. If we need him, we’ll call Seances R Us. Don’t wait up.”
With Republican voters pushing one sinner after another into the front rank, the Republican National Committee has decided to capitalize on the campaign by spinning off a new reality show to be called “The Biggest Sinner”.
"Joe" The "Plumber"
“Oh, it’s going to be so exciting gushed reality show addict Stephanie Nolife. “I heard Herman Cain plans to get a head count of his sexual harassment accusers by renting the Los Angles Coliseum.”
Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich has gone on the Bill O’Really? televised version of “Yelling Crap That I Make Up” to make the point that Cain has underestimated the intellect of reality TV watchers.
“THIS ISN’T JUST SOME REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN”, yelled Gingrich, in keeping with the format of the show, “IN REALITY TV YOU NEED TO HAVE ACTIONS TO GO ALONG WITH THE WORDS. CAIN MIGHT HAVE ALL THOSE WOMEN WILLING TO MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE THE BIGGEST SINNER BUT UNTIL HE COMES UP WITH SOME REALLY CRAPPY NIGHT VISION BEDROOM VIDEO HE WON’T HAVE THE STAYING POWER OF A PARIS HILTON OR KIM KARDASHIAN.”
With the Republican front runners apparently more interested in TV whoredom than the White House rumors have begun that Joe The Plumber is forming a presidential exploratory committee. When reached for comment, “Joe”, whose real name is Alphonse, was coy but admitted that he is interested.
“If I did run said Alphonse, I’ve got the perfect campaign slogan, ‘If The Economy’s In The Toilet, Who You Gonna Call?”
On his radio program, Yelling Crap That I Make Up, heard daily in trailer parks across the poorest parts of America, Speedy Gonzalesbaugh, who earns $50,000,000.00 per year yelling that billionaires are overtaxed, has blamed “Liberal Provocateurs” for the violence at Walmarts during Black Friday shopping.
“THESE LIBERAL LOONIES” yelled Gonzalesbaugh, on E.I.B., the Everything In Bombast network, “ARE TRYING TO DISRUPT THE HOLIDAY TRADITIONS OF LAW ABIDING TEA BAGGERS EVERYWHERE. THESE LOYAL TEA BAGGERS SUPPORT LOWER TAXES FOR BILLIONAIRES EVEN THOUGH THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO SHOP ANYWHERE BUT WALMART, AND THESE LIBERAL SCUM ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE LIFE HARD FOR THEM, MY LOYAL BLOTTO HEAD SUPPORTERS, LIVING ON SOCIAL SECURITY AND SUPPORTING ME, SPEEDY GONZALESBAUGH, WITH TALENT ON SHORT TERM LOAN FROM GOD, AND EMPATHY ON LONG TERM LOAN FROM BEELZEBUB, IN OUR NEVERENDING QUEST TO ELIMINATE SOCIAL SECURITY!”
When our reporter reached Mr. Gonzalesbaugh and asked if he thought it was even the slightest bit unseemly to yell lies enticing those living on Social Security to vote for politicians, for whom the Holy Grail, is to eliminate Social Security, Gonzalesbaugh stuffed $100 bills in his ears and yelled, “I CAN’T HEAR YOUUU!”
Stuns Believers In St. Peter’s Square
Sobbing, “I can’t do this anymore”, Pope Benedict XVI flung his out-sized headgear over the balustrade injuring several of the faithful in the third through tenth row. WTF said 13 year old Bobby Babble from Pancake Flats, Nebraska. Shhh! said his mother, “It’s a sign”.
“I’m a Shaker for crying out loud” the Pontiff wailed not realizing his microphone was still open. “When I heard about this celibacy thing I figured I might as well get some aerobics out of it. Christ sake! You see what they charge for that Zumba stuff?”
“Why not just admit it”, the prelate continued in Latin after failing to find the button for his microphone. “They’re on to me anyway, what with everybody going around asking “Is the Pope Catholic? They know. It was only a matter of time before I was outed by Rupert Murdoch.”
When an aide gently interjected to inform His Holiness that people weren’t questioning whether he was Catholic, but merely using the statement to underscore an obvious truth, the stunned prelate put his head in his hands and muttered “Jesus H Christ, I am so screwed”.
With serial adulterer, liar, and ethically challenged former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich all but endorsed by the Christian, Conservative wing of the Party of Nixon, Mitt Romney threw his hands up in exasperation saying “What do I have to do to get these Evangelicals to endorse me?”, as he worked a crowd in Manly, Iowa while aides intercepted local police who wished to question the candidate regarding 7 Eleven surveillance video showing someone with VERY good hair running out of the store without paying for a large Slurpee.
“If they want a sinner, I’ll show them sin they won’t soon forget”, snarled the transformed former Mormon missionary to France. “I learned more than how to pass out pamphlets in Gay Paree I’ll tell you”, as he motioned to five or six overdue library books. “And this is just the beginning”, said the candidate as he grabbed a few rear ends in the crowd instead of kissing babies.
When asked if Mr. Romney had any plans to go into full politician mode and become an outed adulterer, spokesperson Fauntleroy Doright said, “Nothing is off the table but we’ll probably start him off slow. Maybe just a little coveting thy neighbors’ wife and goods for a start.”
With the Republican campaign getting closer to the primaries, Pundits R Us has reported a tremendous surge in pundit requests from the major news organizations and also from spoof news outlets such as The Onion and FOX (pardon the expression) “news”.
Said Pundits R Us spokesperson, Kent Brockman, “We realize that much of our upswing is due to Republicans raising issues such as ‘Does God use hurricanes to voice displeasure over debt ceilings?’ ‘And can someone on his third wife and second religion carry the Republican Defense of Marriage / Family Values banner. But we also credit much to our recent categorizing of our available pundits into groups ranging from ‘Alzheimer’s, is it caused by ObamaCare?’ to ‘Zilch, The proper role of government’.
“We anticipate further increases in market share, continued Brockman, as the campaign season matures and Republican candidates stretch campaign dollars by laying off their last few fact checkers.”
In an attempt to forcefully and quickly regain momentum the campaign of Republican Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has hired an anonymous consultant known only by the ominous title of “Walmart Peppersprayer”.
Said Bachmann campaign manager Victoria Jackson, “It was my idea. I told Michele to go out onstage for the next debate, and as soon as the first question is asked just run down the line pepper spraying everyone and then do a handstand. Trust me, while the men are backstage getting first aid no one will know or care. Michele will have the stage and questions all to herself.”
When asked if she had given instruction to the candidate on how to perform a handstand, since this is not a talent generally observed in Presidential candidates, Jackson replied, “Oh, I’ll show her in two seconds. It’s not that tough. For me the hardest part was remembering whether I had worn underwear that day.”