Harold Camping Predicts Budget Accord

Hopes dimmed for a Republican / Democratic agreement on reducing the budget deficit when Harold Camping, he of the failed Rapture predictions said on his radio program, “Saying Crap I Think I See In The Bible And Blaming It On God”, that he predicted the Tea Bagger wing of the GOP would put the welfare of the country ahead of partisan politics. He also opined that the Tea Baggers would put their concerns for money on the back burner for awhile to make sure the social safety net is secure.

Fake News site, The Onion immediately convened an executive meeting to decide on a response to this surprising foray of Camping’s Bible based Family Radio into the wild and woolly field of fake news. “We know everybody tries it at some time or another”, said Onion spokesperson Manuel Leek, but it’s not easy. You have to choose a topic that has some believably. This is just plain over the top. Tea Baggers putting the welfare of the country ahead of self centered, partisan politics? Who does Camping think is going to believe that; besides other Tea Baggers?

When reached for comment on the believability question, Family Radio spokesperson Anthony Testament said that since the world population is reaching seven billion, and since, as the saying goes, “You can fool some of the people all of the time”, we’re not worried about where our next crop of believers will come from”.

Barbie Beats Out Orly Taitz For Government Position

New Jobs Czar From Matel

With doctor, lawyer, real estate agent, Orly Taitz crying foul, the Obama administration has reached into corporate America and tapped Mattel’s Barbie as the head of its new jobs creation initiative. Bearing the mellifluous slogan, “Hard work, it’s not just for bonus baby bankers anymore” the jobs creation program will attempt to gear up the public for the infrastructure repair jobs that the administration hopes to create.

Not so fast! says Birther gadfly Taitz. “This girl by my count can’t hold a job for more than six months before she flits to another. Besides where is she getting all this supposed training and licensing. One minute she’s an Air Force pilot, the next she’s an eye surgeon? Something’s fishy to me.”

In her defense, Barbie replied, “If Taitz could get her head out of the Birther Canal for a minute she’d realize that all one has to do is go to ‘Licenses R Us.com’ and get certification for any occupation one wants. It’s that type of knowledge and expertise that made me such an overwhelming choice for the Jobs Czar position.”

When asked what role Ken will play in her approximately 110th career, Barbie replied, “Ken’s job will be to stand behind me at the podium and look pretty.”

Photoshop Blamed Again

Fresh off their defense of a lawsuit brought by Michelle Bachmann over Adobe’s use of her corn dog image in a Photoshop training video comes another accusation leveled at its leading photo editing software.

Medford City Councilman and Mayor Chris Myers has claimed that pictures on TPMuckraker.com showing a person who looks exactly like him reclining in his underwear were Photoshoped by nefarious persons unknown. The pictures were taken by a “Rentboy” who claims Myers hired him for an encounter in a California hotel in October of 2010.

Continued TPMuckraker, “Myers said he didn’t know whether or not the pictures were of him, or whether or not he was in California at the time the incidents allegedly occurred. “I’ve been down that road before, where a photo has been photoshopped to look like something it wasn’t.”

In an apparent bid to ward off another lawsuit with the attendant negative publicity, Adobe has issued a statement through their spokesperson, Melodie Pixel, that the fat, bald, lout in the photographs in question are definitely not those of the fit, handsome, rugged, Republican Family Values mayor.

“We tweaked the latest version of Photoshop”, continued Pixel, “to do a complete genome of the person in question and he actually turns out to be Democratic trickster Don Key, who according to Birther busybody Orly Taitz, divides his time between the White House and Kenya.”

 

Still Desperately Seeking Willy Horton

Find My Willy

Realizing that it will take a Willy Horton to ensure a Republican White House victory in 2012, the Romney Campaign has asked law enforcement personnel across the land to take part in a contest titled “Find My Willy”.

With inducements ranging from Tim Horton’s gift cards to being appointed Attorney General of The United States, the contest has cast a wide net that includes the latest entrant, a California motorist who, according to the officer’s report was about to attack with the dreaded and oft used ‘bowl of broccoli’.

As reported by News of the Weird a traffic stop for an unbuckled seat belt escalated when “The motorist, waiting for the deputy to finish his report, was sitting on a curb eating a bowl of broccoli, and the deputy had to beat him down, he said, out of fear that the motorist would throw the broccoli at him and then attack him”.

“I like it!”, said Roberto Mudslinger, consultant to the Romney campaign. “It has all the parts; black man, police, threat of deadly force. The fact that the weapon is unique moves it to the top of the list in my opinion.”

When our reporter pointed out that there was no weapon or attack, only the officer’s faulty Spidey Sense, Mudslinger replied, “What did you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? This is the party of Nixon; lie, cheat, steal, stop recounts, do whatever it takes to get your man in office so he can begin the noble calling of cutting taxes for the rich and starting wars.”

 

How To Spot Psychopaths: Speech Patterns Give Them Away

Psychopaths can be spotted by their speech patterns says a report on msnbc.com. They were found to over use phrases such as “We came unarmed, this time” and “We must cut Social Security while at the same time reducing taxes for millionaires”. Other phrases common among persons with this emotion numbing mental disorder are, “Health care is Socialism, The poor don’t pay their fair share, and 999.”

Said lead researcher, Henry Histogram, “This will be a valuable tool for law enforcement to identify and monitor these people in an attempt to head off antisocial behavior.

“It is imperative that these mentally deranged be isolated from general society and above all NOT be put in a position of authority from which they could, through ignoring the advice of scientists and anyone else who disagrees with them, destroy a country if not the world.”

Rapture Did Occur On May 21st

We all just got left behind.

That’s the only logical conclusion according to followers of Harold Camping’s Family Radio ministry. “None of us were worthy” said Thelma Endtimes, who sold off her entire collection of Beanie Babies in preparation for the event.

As reported on the CNN website, Harold Camping’s program, Family Radio, has removed mention of specific dates for the Rapture, Tribulation, and end of the world, from it’s website. “We’re going to take a more wait and see approach”, said Camping spokesperson, Selma Snakecharmer. “That will give us time to deal with all the lawsuits from believers who gave everything away and stopped paying their bills in anticipation of rising off the surface of the Earth and and yelling ‘So long, Suckers.”

When asked if these two failed Raptures have put a dent in Family Radio’s audience, Snakecharmer replied, “No, we have a somewhat unique niche in the right wingnut, blotto head, universe. O’Reilly and Limbaugh have locked up the ‘Yelling Crap That I Make Up’ market but Harold Camping and Family Radio own the market for ‘Speaking Normally Crap That I Make Up And Blame On God’.”

 

 

GOP Movie: Desperately Seeking Willy Horton

It’s The Willy Horton Ad, Stupid!

In a bid to return to what has been historically a successful campaign strategy, the Republican leadership, after viewing the current candidates performances, has decided a return to the winning strategy of good ole’ racism is going to be needed to unseat Obama.

“Reagan ran against a mythical ‘Welfare queen who has seven kids and drives a Cadillac”, said Republican strategist and Bush mentor, Karl Red Rover. “And then we nailed Dukakis for not crystalballing that Willy Horton, a black prisoner released on a program implemented by Dukakis’s Republican predecessor would commit another crime.”

“We, as a party”, opined Republican National Committee spokesperson, Snidely Whiplash, “have to return to our roots and nominate a candidate who pits blacks against whites, gun nuts against ‘sanes’, religious extremists against the secular, and rich against the middle class. That’s the only way we can finally get someone in the White House who can unite this great country of ours.”

 

Atheists Have Lower Divorce Rate Than Fundamentalist Christians

Fundamentalist Christians may not be the greatest marriage partners according to recent studies.

According to religioustolerance.org Nevada has the highest rate. ” The data showed that the highest divorce rates were found in the Bible Belt. “Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Oklahoma round out the Top Five in frequency of divorce…the divorce rates in these conservative states are roughly 50 percent above the national average” of 4.2/1000 people.

Eleven southern states (AL, AR, AZ, FL, GA, MS, NC, NM, OK, SC and TX averaged 5.1/1000 people. (LA data is not available; TX data is for 1997).

Nine states in the Northeast (CT, MA, ME, NH, NJ, NY, PA, RI, VT) averaged only 3.5/1000 people.”

A chorus of dissenting voices, almost reaching the level of WTF, reverberated through the Republican, right wing, born again Christian community reacting to the news that marriage and divorce data showed that atheists actually respect marriage vows more strongly than do fundamentalist Christians.

“What liberal, commie, Kenyan, antichristesque, low life did this study?”, thundered Speedy Gonzalesbaugh, on his hate radio program, “Yelling Crap That I Make Up”, heard daily in mom and pop businesses and trailer parks across America. “I personally have only had four marriages and three divorces and I can tell you, if I were an atheist, without the hand of my God to help me find marriage minded women who can stand me for a short while, I probably would have even more.”

Commented Newt Gingrich, “My family values just won’t let me accept that Christians divorce at a higher rate than atheists. Of course I have had three marriages and two divorces, but I’m a Republican leader. You lower downs are supposed to do as I say, not as I do.”

 

 

IQ Trend Bodes Ill For GOP

The shock was palpable as word flashed through the forwarded email and hate radio communications network regarding the implications of recently publicized IQ research.

According to the data, IQ in the industrialized countries is increasing by about three points every decade. Worried emails flashed back and forth between movers and shakers in the Republican / Tea Bagger regime.

“This is unacceptable”, said Speedy Gonzalesbaugh. “If the American people are getting smarter that will automatically translate into a shrinking base from which to draw our Blotto Heads. We’re done for!”

Said Bill O’Really, “If we end up with an educated and informed electorate, we’re in big trouble. Next thing you know they’ll be asking us for proof of what we say. Our days of becoming millionaires by ‘Yelling Crap That We Make Up’ may be over.”

“Well don’t blame Texas”, said Rick Perry. “We’ve been doing our part to buck this trend by emphasizing football and cheer leading in our schools and putting Creationism in place of biology. “We didn’t sell our naming rights and become ‘The Great State Of Yahoo’ for nothing.”

GOP Clarifies Position On Climate Change

House Republicans held a press conference today to counter public perception that they are either knaves or fools regarding the issue of Climate Change, aka Global Warming.

There are about twenty three hundred climatologists who have studied data going back thousands of years and covering previous instances of global warming”, announced Speaker of the House Republican John (It’s Bayner, BAAYYNER!) Boehner. “Based on this data, these scientists say that humans increasing the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is the only explanation for the current trend.”

 “But, continued Boehner, “Just recently Rush Limbaugh stuck his head out of his studio window and couldn’t see any humans warming the globe, so it still remains a controversial issue that needs more study.”