Tea Baggers / Conservatives Cry Foul

“We are calling on all Americans to resist this latest effort on the part of ‘The Usurper’ to read the minds of law abiding American citizens”, declared Sarah Belleum, spokesperson for the “Don’t Know Much ’bout History” branch of Tea Baggers United; one of the many groups funded by the Koch Brothers under their “We’re against …whatever” initiative.

Sorry, Error 404 Brain Not Found

“Who do you think are going to be the first to be dragged from their fortified basements and outbuildings to be scanned for any useful brain activity? Us patriots, that’s who”, declared Belleum. “Are we going to allow the feds to develop this technology so they can zap us as we are walking down the street and discover where we buried all those weapons of war that we need to fend off those deer that keep invading our shrubbery; not to mention those Canadians that keep trying to reenact the War of 1812 by re-burning Buffalo?”

“I for one say NO!” declared the devout Tea Bagger. “If The Usurper and his illegitimate regime want my thoughts on anything, ranging all the way from gay marriage to gay therapy, to gay unions, they are going to have to pry it from my cold dead amygdala.”

Given Go Ahead By Koch Brothers

Pierpont and Percival Koch, billionaire inheritors of their father’s coal, oil, and gas fortune, in their position as overseers of the Republican Party, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Koch Industries, have given “Justice” John Roberts and the other Republican appointees on the court permission to overturn the DOMA.

Defend Marriage? Just Ban Divorce

“The issue of gay marriage had great promise when ‘Turd Blossom’ Rove incorporated it into his ‘If it worked for the Nazis it must be good’ bag of tricks for creating divisive infighting among the electorate in order to elect a completely unqualified former alcoholic and professional ne’er–do–well to the Presidency of the United States. Though the Nazi method of persecuting homosexuals seems to have lost its effectiveness as a U.S. campaign issue, we are still going to stick with persecuting gypsies, or as we like to call them, ‘illegal aliens’.

Decides To Try Jeb Clampett

At a hastily called press conference the former Florida governor explained this surprising development. “Well, after my, cough cough, ‘book’ tour, I decided that changes needed to be made if I were to have any chance at getting the GOP nomin…NO, I MEAN…I mean if I were to be able to sell my books.”

Don’t Shoot Pappy! It’s Me, Jeb!

“Since The Clampetts were in oil as was my former family, I thought it would be a good choice.”

“Aren’t you just trying to distance yourself from the disastrous presidency of your brother, George?” asked our insightful reporter.

“George?” asked the former Florida governor. “George? My brother’s name is Jethro.”

“Does this also mean that you are no longer the grandson of Prescott Bush who planned a fascist coup against the United States in the 1930s?, our reporter asked.

“I’ve been to Prescott, Arizona, replied the puzzled latter day hillbilly, but I’ve never heard of this Prescott Bush of whom you speak. Though within my political circle many do speak longingly of a coup.”

Waiting Until Economy Improves

Worried about the future of Social Security, Pope Benedict IX has put retirement plans on hold. “I can’t just walk into retirement knowing that life in a double wide may be in my future. I mean, this place isn’t called The Holy See because we stumble around blindly”.

Limbaugh Conveys Acceptance Of Papal Invitation

“I may wait until after the 2016 American elections for the world economy to improve. At least that’s according to the broadcasts of an American journalist named Rush Limbaugh, who bases his prognostications upon ‘powers on loan from God’. I  apparently have much in common with this good man”.

When our reporter gently pointed out to His Excellency, the latest occupant of the throne of Saint Peter, that this Limbaugh person is not held in such high regard in his own country but is in fact regarded as a pompous, overstuffed, bellicose, representative of all that is wrong with American politics, and his so called powers from God are one of the main reasons that he is regarded in America as a fatuous blowhard, the Holy Father kindly observed, “Ah, such was the fate of The Redeemer. He was unable to perform miracles in his home town of Bethlehem. Perhaps i should entreat Mr Limbaugh to travel to our fair land to help us deal with our own political problems after he has cured America of its ills”.

Borowitz: “That’s My Material!”

An irate Andy Borowitz confronted National Rampage Association (NRA) Chief Executive Wayne LaPierre at a Washington, DC superheros’ convention shortly after LaPierre delivered his statement that schools are targets for mass murder not because the society surrounding them has too many military weapons in the hands of paranoids who see themselves as the last line of defense in a society racked by same sex marriage, subsidized school lunch programs, and unemployment insurance, but because the staff of said schools aren’t carrying enough firepower.

Hell Yes I’m Qualified To Carry A Gun In Public Schools

“You stole our material” yelled Borowitz as he was joined by representatives of David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jay Leno. You do the straight stuff! We’ll do the jokes”, yelled the growing crowd of comics and cartoonists.

When our reporter could get a word in edgewise he managed to ask LaPierre what he was doing at a superheros’ convention, to which he replied, “Since armed guards at all 99,000 schools in the nation may be a bit much I’m hoping to recruit some  members of the superhero community to use their super powers to cover perhaps a whole school district or two to give maximum protection to our most valuable institution; fully armed and fortified  elementary schools.”

If I’d Known The NRA Was On Our Side I’d Have Stayed On The Farm

NRA Plans Friday Announcement

“These NRA guys make us look like amateurs’ said al-Qaeda spokesperson, Hassan Ben Easy, “We think we’re doing great by setting off a bomb that kills ten or so at once. These NRA types use the US Constitution as cover and get a hundred thousand a year. They really know how to get a job done, Deer hunters my eye; they’re mass murderers extraordinaire.”

“Our thinking is that by owning the National Rampage Association (Thank you Daily Beast) outright we can just go back to our villages and goats while letting the Ted Nugents of the US do our dirty work for us free of charge. How cool is that?”

When our reporter asked if there would be any policy changes once al-Qaeda was fully in charge of the National Rampage Association, Hassan Ben Easy replied “Our more bloodthirsty leaders wanted to change nothing, but the more rational among us think we would have our new NRA back away from certain issues such as ‘assault weapons for everyone’ and arming school teachers. I mean, true, we are terrorists but we’re not completely insane.”

Helen Waite Marries Fiscal Cliff

In a match made in GOP heaven, John Boehner, speaker of the House of Representatives, has referred President Obama to his executive secretary for any further comment regarding the current tax extension negotiations..

No Rush? No Problem!

Said Speaker Boehner, “If President Obama is in a hurry  to raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans he can go to my secretary, Helen Waite”.

When Mission Refudiated followed up with the White House we were told they have had no success reaching Helen Waite.

Wrote In Votes For “Ben Gazi”

Mitt Romney might be President today if not for a simple misinterpretation by millions of FOX “news” viewers that the GOP candidate was someone named “Ben Gazi”.

Wow, That Makes Me Look Like A Genius

“I just kept hearing that name over and over before the election”, said FOX ‘news’ viewer Don Dufus. “I assumed he was the choice of the Koch brothers so when I didn’t see his name on the ballot, I wrote it in. I guess a lot of others did too, assuming the ballots had been manipulated, what with that Kenyan, Communist, Nazi, Marxist, Jihadist, Terrorist, Muslim, Traitor, Usurper, occupying the White House. You just can’t trust those types”.

When our reporter, from a safe distance, suggested that citizen Dufus was so far on the wrong side of the IQ bell curve that he should give up his right to vote, he correctly replied that that wouldn’t affect the millions of other FOX “news” viewers who made the same mistake.

Promised To Reimburse Election Donors

“He can’t stay in hiding forever”, said Percival Koch, part owner along with his brother, Pierpont, of the Republican Party. “When we get our hands on him he’ll wish he’d never even thought of drying George W out and making him President.”

Join The Crowd, Karl

“Ditto” replied Sheldon Adelson. “If a so called genius can’t take a boat load of money and a Republican nominee who looks like he was sent over by Central Casting, and make him President running against a black guy with a funny name in a depression then something’s obviously not right.”

When our reporter asked why GOP donors would spent the better part of half a billion dollars gambling on something that could go south, Adelson replied, “Simple, We knew if Obama got back in we might have to pay thousands more in income taxes. Yachts and multiple houses don’t come cheap you know.”

“My Offerings Rejected”

“Freeloading voters simply accepted the handouts Obama offered and rejected my commonsense approach”, whined the world’s most prominent loser, former GOP golden boy, Willard “Mitt” Romney.

"And He Passed These Out Like Candy"

“In the case of young women voters”, continued Romney, “The President offered health care funded birth control, which they readily accepted, rejecting my offer to abolish Planned Parenthood and require rape victims to bear their attackers children”.

“The President’s ‘Path to Citizenship’ stance on immigration was, inexplicably, more readily embraced by Latinos than my more pragmatic position of making their lives so miserable they moved back to wherever it is these people come from”.

“It seems that no matter how we reach out to ‘These People’ we get our hand bitten”.