FOX “news” Critical
Brit Hume, on his FOX “news” program “Saying Things I’m Told To Say”, blasted the Pope, the Vatican, and especially the Vatican’s chief alms-giver, Archbishop Konrad Krajewski, for “…setting a bad example for world leaders everywhere”. “Making a public display of such foolishness will only encourage other world leaders to engage in similar folderol such as, God forbid, health care.”
FOX to Vatican – You’ll Need This To Carry Your Ass When We’re Done With You
The focus of Hume’s wrath, Vatican almoner Archbishop Konrad Krajewski, who describes himself as someone who “goes out to hug the people who suffer” declined our request for an interview to respond to the criticism from FOX saying only, “We weren’t aware that Canis had evolved sufficiently to host a television program. However, having viewed several episodes we are saddened to see that said evolution continues to be painfully slow.”
When informed of the Vatican response, Hume fumed, “He’s the Vatican’s ‘chief almoner’ is he? Well, we’ll see what he is after we sic Blue Diamond’s lawyers on him. He’ll be back in the Peanut Gallery with the rest of the nuts!”
What? Another Republican For The House?
FOX “news” Critcal
As part of their continuing “Who went and made him President?” campaign, FOX (pardon the expression) “news” has lambasted, (lamBASTED! yuk yuk) President Obama over his pardoning of the National Thanksgiving Turkey. “Without hearings how are we to know what foul deeds this particular fowl may have been guilty of” thundered Bill O’Reilly on his Limbaughesque program “Yelling Crap That I Make Up”, seen in tattoo parlors and mud wrestling venues across the land.
“Is this a typical liberal or what? Pardon everything in sight without once consulting with his betters, which is to say those of us here at FOX. He blows his chance to start a war with Iran and now this? Didn’t Jimmy Carter missing a shot at war in Panama teach these Liberals anything? Geesh! At least invade Grenada or something. Oh, wait..that’s been done.”
Just Say No To Health Care For Colored Persons
Promises GOP No Colored Persons Need Apply
With his iconic health care law under Republican attack and in danger of foundering, President Obama has, with an eye toward making the measure palatable to the Republican base, taken the desperate measure of calling GOP leaders to an emergency meeting at the White House and proposing that “Obamacare” be limited to a whites only membership.
“Oh Lawdy”, the President declared to a delighted Republican delegation while waving his white gloved hands in the air, “Nobody know the troubles I seen wid dis here health care, an ya’ll white folks be happy to know I seen the error of my ways an make sure dat none of dis health care fussin’ benefit black folks.”
Afterward House Speaker John Boehner declared the President’s concession to be a significant breakthrough and commented “It would appear that Mr. Obama has finally come to know his place. Perhaps now we can finally move backwards…I mean forward in this country without certain people getting all uppity.”
You’ll Need Obama Care When I’m Done
Says Party In Need Of Adult Supervision
Saying that America functions best with a viable two party system, President Obama has decided the time has come for an intervention to halt the GOP’s latest descent into madness.
At a Tuesday morning news conference the President declared, “I have decided the time has come, in the Republican Party, for an adult to step forward with something more to offer than green eggs and ham. To that end my staff and I have searched within the GOP membership for the person who in these trying times seems to be the most sane and competent member of said group. After a long and careful search we have decided that that person is Ted Nuget. He has his faults but considering the actions of his political peers he actually appears statesmanlike.”
“Mr Nugent” continued President Obama, “will assume the duties of the office of GOP Overseer, the position currently held jointly by the brothers Koch. When we contacted Mr. Nugent with our proposal he at first expressed reservation as to whether his personality and inclinations would be a good fit for the position. We assured him that without changing a thing he would be the most competent person in the room.”
Plans To Hold Breath Until Blue
In that great swath of America known as Teabaggerville, excitement is building over Tea Bagger darling Ted Cruz’s announcement that he has further and more creative plans to disrupt the functioning of the U.S. government.
Don’t bother Ted. It never got Cheney to see things my way.
“When Ted found that his stirring and heartfelt reading of Green Eggs and Ham failed to move his opponents”, reported Cruz communications director, Samantha Semaphore, his team hit upon the strategy of asking for the floor, literally, and throwing himself down, screaming, yelling, and threatening to hold his breath until he turns blue, if Obamacare isn’t repudiated by the President immediately.”
When our reporter pointed out that from childhood memories he could state with a high degree of certitude that holding one’s breath could result in unconsciousness, Semaphore replied that Cruz had thought of that. “He had hoped to have Sarah Palin standing by to deliver mouth to mouth but she claimed a previous engagement; something about a moose infestation in Alaska. So far we only have offers from Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood, and Michelle Bachmann, so Ted says he may rethink the issue.
NBC: Say Hello To Our little Friend
NBC executives were feeling quite cocky today at a hastily called news conference at which they announced the signing of Anthony Weiner to replace Jay Leno when Leno’s contract expires in 2014. ”We may have pulled a boner with that Conan O’Brian thing”, said NBC spokesperson, Shelly Quecard, but when Weiner popped up we just couldn’t let him slip through our fingers”.
It’s Abedin! I Don’t Care What You Heard!
When asked how Jimmy Fallon is taking the news, Quecard replied, “Well frankly he’s being a dick about it but with Fallon we would have had to continue with the expense of the writing staff; with Weiner the jokes write themselves.
When our reporter asked if NBC is also offering a job to Weiner’s wife, Huma, we were told the executives felt that after all she has been through, working for NBC would be just adding insult to injury. “Besides”, said spokesperson Quecard, “She appears to be on a course to live the rest of her life known as Hum A Weiner. That’s about as bad as it gets.”
Chooses To Go With “Woody”
“I figure I might as well capitalize upon my current notoriety” said NYC mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner. “If ‘Woody Weiner’ doesn’t get everyone remembering me at the ‘Polling Place’, they’re too dense.”
You down there. It’s all your fault. Not mine.
“It has so many electoral tie-ins; ballot ‘box’, polling, exit polling, etc. I’m sure everyone will get into the act, with campaigners approaching voters saying, ‘Pardon me ma’am. May I poll you? It will be the most exciting election in a long time, and I will be on everyone’s ‘lips’. Yuk, Yuk. See how easy it is.”
When our reporter asked the newly christened Woody Weiner what his first act would be if lightning strikes and he does somehow become mayor of New York, he replied. “Since I’m a new father I would make it a priority of my administration to do what ever I could to clean up the internet. You never know what creeps your children may encounter in cyberspace.”
Florida “Justice” On A Roll Says Juror
“We are in the early stage of developing a new industry here in the great state of Florida” gushed Zimmerman Juror B37, on the FOX ‘news’ program ‘Crap R Us’. And we feel that the Hernandez murder trial will give us the cachet we need to firmly establish and market ourselves as the place to go if you are white and seeking ‘justice’.”
Oh man, If I could just get to that white Bronco over there!
“Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, and now Aaron Hernandez, would face uncertain legal outcomes if their fate were put in the hands of jurors in those uppity northern states like New York or Connecticut, what with all their highfalutin’ facts and deliberatin’. I mean look at the Zimmerman case; It was obvious from the start that Travon Martin went out on a dark rainy night. when all God-fearing-folk were home watching Honey Boo Boo, with the intent of luring citizen volunteer, George Zimmerman, into a confrontation. That’s obvious from the fact that he was wearing a hoodie. The rain just provided him with an excuse.”
“So I say to everyone who fears having a jury of their peers (whatever the hell peers are) listening carefully to the prosecution and weighing evidence, Come On Down!”.
Reported Dating Casey Anthony
“I’ve made mistakes” said George Zimmerman, after being acquitted of murder by a Florida “jury”. “But then who among us hasn’t pulled the trigger on one or two suspicious looking persons with whom they’ve started an argument. Let’s not have the pot calling the kettle black, (pardon my humor)”.
They WHAT?? ACQUITTED?? Oh man, Casey was right!!!
“I’m happy to say to all my fans in Gun-dom that I’ve begun dating fellow celeb Casey Anthony. We’ve talked of marriage and maybe kids someday and I hope this new chapter in my life will help put this little incident behind me.”
When our reporter pointed out to George that he already had a wife he replied, “With my new celebrity status my fans are going to expect me to behave like a celebrity. Besides, they’ve got her on perjury so I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of my wife for the next ten years. If there’s one thing the people of Florida won’t abide it’s a liar.”
Gang Members Rejoyce
“What?” said prosecutors across the land. “An armed aggressor starts a fight with a complete stranger; begins to lose said fight, pulls out a gun and kills the stranger, but has committed no crime?”
I’d like to thank The Klan, Florida Rednecks, White Republicans, and especially Dumb As A Box of Rocks Florida Jurors. Am I right Casey?
One group that was particularly happy with the verdict were gang members. “This makes our job so much easier, and makes us untouchable by the law”, said local badass, Shootemup McBangbang. “All we have to do is shoot them in the front instead of the usual back of the head, and then claim self defense. This changes everything!”