Even though dropping poll numbers indicated that Jeb Bush was in trouble regarding the fight for the GOP presidential nomination, this evening’s announcement that he would give up his pursuit of the top spot on the 2016 Republican ticket blindsided even the most aware political observers.
“I have decided to immediately end my pursuit of the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States”, stated a somber Jeb Bush at a hastily called press conference in front of his campaign headquarters in Hootin Hollar, New Hampshire. “I wish to thank my supporters for all of their help, but I feel that our effort was dragged down by the media constantly reporting that my last name is ‘Bush’. I therefore have decided to end my campaign in order to spend more time with my family”.
Double Shocker! Political Unknown Steps Into Race
John Ellis Doppelganger
Coming close on the heels of Jeb Bush’s withdrawal from the GOP campaign, a complete political unknown has announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. Speaking in front of his newly opened campaign headquarters in North Hootin Hollar, New Hampshire, John Ellis Doppelganger said his main qualification for president was not being related to anybody who has ever been president.
Our latest reports indicate that Doppelganger appears to be appealing to the supporters of former candidate Bush and has been drawing interest from former Bush donors.
Movin’ On Up Right Wing Style
With an eye toward cashing in before the FOX “news” bandwagon finds a newer, shinier, object, Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who alone stood in the breech doing God’s work by denying marriage licenses to couples not worthy before the Lord, says she is casting about for ideas on how to turn her notoriety into an income stream able to, as she put it in off the record remarks, “…get me out of craphole, Kentucky.”
“When Huckabee came to town I knew I had hit the big time. Not Sarah Palin big, but in that ballpark. I asked The Huckster if he could get me a gig on FOX, maybe after I dyed my hair blond, but he said that in my case it would take considerably more than that.”
“With Palin finding right wing gold on the No-Think-Um speaking circuit I might strike out in that direction. I figure if I can fill a room hectoring about the sanctity of marriage after having three divorces and four marriages I am definitely movin’ on up.”
*SCANDAL* Democrat Bill Clinton *SCANDAL*
Puts Bill Clinton’s Name Under Dennis Hastert’s Picture
Saying it was merely a mistake and nothing to get all excited about, FOX “news” acknowledged erroneously captioning a picture of recently indicted former House of Representatives speaker Dennis Hastert while reporting on Hastert’s sex and money laundering scandal during a brief
break in its wall to wall coverage of Benghazi, Clinton Cash, Hillary Is The Antichrist, and Was Hillary Born In Kenya?.
We had a similar problem when reporting on the gay sex scandals of Mark Foley and Larry Craig when the graphics miss identified them as being Democrats. The computers that do our on screen graphics are controlled by an algorithm that when presented with the term, “scandal” automatically displays “Democrat” and then searches a database for the name of a random Democrat. In this case the first name it came to was “Clinton, Bill”.
When our reporter asked what other Democratic names are in the database, he was told, “Clinton, Bill, Clinton, Hillary, and Obama, Barack. “The list is short because when we polled our viewers those names ended up at the very top of our viewers’ Hate Index. As we say here at FOX, ‘Hate is our most important product”.
Brady, Belichick Scramble To Take “Blame”
“It was the strangest feeling”, said unusually quiet Seahawks fan, Tommy Testicular, sitting quietly in University of Phoenix Stadium long after Super Bowl XLIX ended as the cleaning crew roamed ever closer with their hair raising, debri slinging, leaf blowers.
“My last clear memory is of sitting here waiting for Marshawn Lynch to cross that goal line and make every misstep, every road not taken, every sling and arrow of outrageous fortune in my heretofore so called life seem as dust in the wind, when suddenly I’m surrounded by cries of “Wha…Wha hapin?” and “Daddy, can we go home now?”
But the worst is the feeling of all that testosterone rushing to my nether regions, swelling my clangers to twice their size and rousing the old Bald Headed Butler to think he’s about to embark upon a two week orgy, and then, nothing, nothing at all.
When our sympathetic reporter asked Mr. Testicular if he could sum up his painful feelings in one word he sat silently for awhile and then quietly said, “Deflated. Deflated is the word.”
No!! Wait!! Its Me!!!!
Police Chief: “What should we use? Disney characters?”
Concerned citizens are speaking out regarding the revelation that North Miami police used the mugshots of African American men for target practice at a training session.
The BBC reported “The images used by North Miami Beach Police were discovered by a female soldier who used the firing range after a police training session. Sgt Valerie Deant recognised her brother as one of the target images, according to NBC Miami.”
In response Police Chief J Scott Dennis said at a hastily called news conference, “Sgt. Deant’s brother had his mugshot taken after he was arrested for drag racing. We hope this proper and unassailable use of his physiognomy will deter other young men of his persuasion from dressing up as women and running up and down the streets of North Miami with impunity.”
Reporters stood open mouthed as an aide whispered in Chief Dennis’ ear and the Chief mumbled “It doesn’t?”, “Really?”
The press conference ended as the aide took over the microphone and apologized that the prepared response had too many fifty cent words resulting in confusion and that a fuller explanation would be forthcoming.
Tip Of Hat To Those Who Made It Possible
Killing unarmed civilians, women, and children is hard work. Many times I have to whisper a prayer of thanks to President Cheney to keep my spirits up.
Saying they wanted to pay homage to the two people who did the most to make terrorism a way of life in Iraq and Afghanistan and in the process pave the way for their fundamentalist, uncompromising, worldview to find fruition in a new Islamic state, ISIS leader Hassan Ben Easy was seen in a video released on a jihadist website praising the former Dynamic Duo for their destabilization of Afghanistan and Iraq in particular and the entire region in general.
“We needed Saddam Hussein and the Taliban out of the way since even though they were far from perfect, they did keep everybody away from each other’s throats and kept things on an even keel. When President Cheney, or maybe President Bush, we were never sure who was running that White House, smashed up Iraq and Afghanistan we saw our chance and we took it.”
When our reporter contacted Ben Easy and asked if he had any message he wanted to send to the American public, he replied, “Nothing special. Just thank you for giving us President Cheney and his little helper.”
Propose Tearing Down Statue of Liberty
“The problem with these illegals has been in front of our faces all along”, thundered Rush Limbaugh recently on his nationally syndicated radio program, “Yelling Crap That I Make Up“, heard daily in private golf clubs and tattoo parlors across the land.
I Knew Their War on Women Would Eventually Get Around To Me.
“We’ve got a damn billboard out in New York harbor inviting the riff raff of the world to come, sully our shores, and park their huddled asses or masses, or whatever, right in the middle of everything that we hold dear!”
“When was the last time you heard one of these huddled asses talk about entitlement reform or tax relief? Never! They claim they’re too busy riding the back of a garbage truck or ripping the kidneys out of pork bellies at the Hormel plant, while those of us who had the foresight to be born here have to put up with their whining about deserving citizenship just because they came here and worked like dogs in and for the land of their dreams.”
“So the sooner we get that Liberal eyesore out of the harbor and get back to blaming all of our troubles on too few guns and too high taxes we can get back to the things that made this country great; Liberty and Justice for all!”
Common Sense From Your Friends At The NRA
1. Don’t wear hoodies!!! Are you stupid America? Don’t wear hoodies, period, end of discussion. Its raining, its cold. Tough. Don’t wear hoodies. If you do, you deserve to be shot.
2. Don’t throw popcorn!!! Stop being stupid! Throw popcorn at someone who is trying to mind your business and you will die. End of story!
I Can’t Wait For My Child To Be Shot By One Of These Beauties
3. Don’t go to school. Stupid! That’s where school shootings take place. Smarten up!
4. Don’t work at the Post Office. What, are you nuts?! If someone is going to go Postal where do you think they will be? Right! Now use your head fer cryin’ out loud.
5. Don’t walk on the sidewalks! What? Are you the only person who hasn’t heard of drive by shootings? Don’t be an idiot! Don’t walk! Period!
6. Don’t go to the mall you idiot! Mall shootings are now an accepted part of American life. That stuff at the mall is overpriced anyway.
7. Do carry a loaded firearm at all times, everywhere; movies, work, daycare centers, town meetings, grocery shopping, job interviews, because you never know when you may encounter someone who doesn’t think you have the right to run their life.
This message has been brought to you by The NRA. Creating a safer America, one gun at a time.
…with “Mind Your Own Business”
Facing the prospect of another Zimmermanesque multimillion dollar murder trial, Florida’s tax averse retiree heavy population has called for replacing their “shoot anybody, anytime, for any reason, law known as “Stand Your Ground” with a more taxpayer friendly substitute tentatively known as “Mind Your Own Business”.
“How many fistfights turned multimillon dollar murder trials can we afford in Florida before New York starts looking like a tax haven?” asked long time resident, Fiduciary Doody. “If this keeps up we Floridians might have to start paying taxes.”
When reached for comment regarding Florida’s latest “He made me mad so I shot him” episode, Zimmerman juror B37 opined that if she were chosen for the jury her vote would be to acquit. “It was entirely the texter’s fault. This is Florida. He should have known that the guy behind him brought a gun to the movies. Its what we do.”
“I thought we agreed to just slash his tires”
An angry Chris Christie lashed out at his top staffers Thursday over their apparent rogue decision to shut down lanes on the George Washington bridge in order to embarrass a political opponent. “I never gave permission to do something so disruptive as this.” I thought we were in agreement at the planning meeting that we would just slash his tires or maybe rough him up a bit on the sidewalk outside his office. In fact I was the one who nixed the idea of breaking his legs, knowing the liberal press would just use that as a segue into Obamacare.”
Sorry Mary. This One Is A BFD
In a related story, Mary Matalin, Republican strategist, responded “BFD” (Big Fucking Deal) when asked what her thoughts were on the widening New Jersey scandal. It is, apparently, her opinion that disrupting the health and safety of thousands of the people that you have sworn to serve does not rise to the level of a Lewinsky.