Propose Tearing Down Statue of Liberty
“The problem with these illegals has been in front of our faces all along”, thundered Rush Limbaugh recently on his nationally syndicated radio program, “Yelling Crap That I Make Up“, heard daily in private golf clubs and tattoo parlors across the land.
I Knew Their War on Women Would Eventually Get Around To Me.
“We’ve got a damn billboard out in New York harbor inviting the riff raff of the world to come, sully our shores, and park their huddled asses or masses, or whatever, right in the middle of everything that we hold dear!”
“When was the last time you heard one of these huddled asses talk about entitlement reform or tax relief? Never! They claim they’re too busy riding the back of a garbage truck or ripping the kidneys out of pork bellies at the Hormel plant, while those of us who had the foresight to be born here have to put up with their whining about deserving citizenship just because they came here and worked like dogs in and for the land of their dreams.”
“So the sooner we get that Liberal eyesore out of the harbor and get back to blaming all of our troubles on too few guns and too high taxes we can get back to the things that made this country great; Liberty and Justice for all!”
Common Sense From Your Friends At The NRA
1. Don’t wear hoodies!!! Are you stupid America? Don’t wear hoodies, period, end of discussion. Its raining, its cold. Tough. Don’t wear hoodies. If you do, you deserve to be shot.
2. Don’t throw popcorn!!! Stop being stupid! Throw popcorn at someone who is trying to mind your business and you will die. End of story!
I Can’t Wait For My Child To Be Shot By One Of These Beauties
3. Don’t go to school. Stupid! That’s where school shootings take place. Smarten up!
4. Don’t work at the Post Office. What, are you nuts?! If someone is going to go Postal where do you think they will be? Right! Now use your head fer cryin’ out loud.
5. Don’t walk on the sidewalks! What? Are you the only person who hasn’t heard of drive by shootings? Don’t be an idiot! Don’t walk! Period!
6. Don’t go to the mall you idiot! Mall shootings are now an accepted part of American life. That stuff at the mall is overpriced anyway.
7. Do carry a loaded firearm at all times, everywhere; movies, work, daycare centers, town meetings, grocery shopping, job interviews, because you never know when you may encounter someone who doesn’t think you have the right to run their life.
This message has been brought to you by The NRA. Creating a safer America, one gun at a time.
…with “Mind Your Own Business”
Facing the prospect of another Zimmermanesque multimillion dollar murder trial, Florida’s tax averse retiree heavy population has called for replacing their “shoot anybody, anytime, for any reason, law known as “Stand Your Ground” with a more taxpayer friendly substitute tentatively known as “Mind Your Own Business”.
“How many fistfights turned multimillon dollar murder trials can we afford in Florida before New York starts looking like a tax haven?” asked long time resident, Fiduciary Doody. “If this keeps up we Floridians might have to start paying taxes.”
When reached for comment regarding Florida’s latest “He made me mad so I shot him” episode, Zimmerman juror B37 opined that if she were chosen for the jury her vote would be to acquit. “It was entirely the texter’s fault. This is Florida. He should have known that the guy behind him brought a gun to the movies. Its what we do.”
“I thought we agreed to just slash his tires”
An angry Chris Christie lashed out at his top staffers Thursday over their apparent rogue decision to shut down lanes on the George Washington bridge in order to embarrass a political opponent. “I never gave permission to do something so disruptive as this.” I thought we were in agreement at the planning meeting that we would just slash his tires or maybe rough him up a bit on the sidewalk outside his office. In fact I was the one who nixed the idea of breaking his legs, knowing the liberal press would just use that as a segue into Obamacare.”
Sorry Mary. This One Is A BFD
In a related story, Mary Matalin, Republican strategist, responded “BFD” (Big Fucking Deal) when asked what her thoughts were on the widening New Jersey scandal. It is, apparently, her opinion that disrupting the health and safety of thousands of the people that you have sworn to serve does not rise to the level of a Lewinsky.
Threatens To Torch Buffalo – Again
Angry at the Jimmy Kimmels and Jay Lenos of the U.S. TV landscape holding him up to ridicule on a nightly basis, Toronto mayor Rob Ford has vowed retaliation in the form of sacking and burning his U.S. neighbor, Buffalo, NY. “Why not”, shouted a belligerent and possibly coked-up Ford at a City Hall press conference. “Its the two hundredth anniversary of the first time we did it. They’re always doing their wimpy reenactments at Fort Niagara. We’ll give them a reenactment they won’t soon forget”.
I’m referring all questions to my counsel
When the red faced and neck vein bulging Ford calmed down sufficiently for our brave reporter to get in a word he reminded Ford that the Americans might not take kindly to having one of their cities burned and that the entire Canadian military was sufficiently small that it could probably fit into Ralph Wilson Stadium.
“Its Buffalo, for crying out loud”, yelled the Toronto leader. “The only time anybody in the U.S. even remembers that they still exist is when another football team comes to town to kick their collective asses”.
When word of Ford’s threat reached the residents of Buffalo the general consensus was “Burn if you must, but we’ll have the last laugh when Rogers Cable eventually buys the Bills and moves them to Toronto”.
“They All Look Alike To Me”
Kim Jong Un’s fascination with Dennis Rodman is finally explained as a case of mistaken identity. Saying “I never could tell one from another” Kim Jong Un, leader of the reclusive nation of North Korea, said at a hastily called news conference, “I never thought to ask what he did back home. I just assumed…”
Rodman? President? HaHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“Its an honest mistake.”, explained a government spokesperson. “I mean, how many tall black people can one country have? In North Korea we have only two kinds of people; the fat, and the starving.”
When our reporter, bullhorn in hand, from the safe side of the DMZ, asked if this revelation would affect Kim’s desire to have Dennis Rodman train a North Korean basketball team to compete in exhibition games with teams from the United States, Kim replied, “The training will go forward, after which this impostor will be executed. I executed my ex girlfriend and my uncle so why should I hesitate at a cross-dressing rebounder who sets off every metal detector in our airport.”
FOX “news” Critical
Brit Hume, on his FOX “news” program “Saying Things I’m Told To Say”, blasted the Pope, the Vatican, and especially the Vatican’s chief alms-giver, Archbishop Konrad Krajewski, for “…setting a bad example for world leaders everywhere”. “Making a public display of such foolishness will only encourage other world leaders to engage in similar folderol such as, God forbid, health care.”
FOX to Vatican – You’ll Need This To Carry Your Ass When We’re Done With You
The focus of Hume’s wrath, Vatican almoner Archbishop Konrad Krajewski, who describes himself as someone who “goes out to hug the people who suffer” declined our request for an interview to respond to the criticism from FOX saying only, “We weren’t aware that Canis had evolved sufficiently to host a television program. However, having viewed several episodes we are saddened to see that said evolution continues to be painfully slow.”
When informed of the Vatican response, Hume fumed, “He’s the Vatican’s ‘chief almoner’ is he? Well, we’ll see what he is after we sic Blue Diamond’s lawyers on him. He’ll be back in the Peanut Gallery with the rest of the nuts!”
What? Another Republican For The House?
FOX “news” Critcal
As part of their continuing “Who went and made him President?” campaign, FOX (pardon the expression) “news” has lambasted, (lamBASTED! yuk yuk) President Obama over his pardoning of the National Thanksgiving Turkey. “Without hearings how are we to know what foul deeds this particular fowl may have been guilty of” thundered Bill O’Reilly on his Limbaughesque program “Yelling Crap That I Make Up“, seen in tattoo parlors and mud wrestling venues across the land.
“Is this a typical liberal or what? Pardon everything in sight without once consulting with his betters, which is to say those of us here at FOX. He blows his chance to start a war with Iran and now this? Didn’t Jimmy Carter missing a shot at war in Panama teach these Liberals anything? Geesh! At least invade Grenada or something. Oh, wait..that’s been done.”
Just Say No To Health Care For Colored Persons
Promises GOP No Colored Persons Need Apply
With his iconic health care law under Republican attack and in danger of foundering, President Obama has, with an eye toward making the measure palatable to the Republican base, taken the desperate measure of calling GOP leaders to an emergency meeting at the White House and proposing that “Obamacare” be limited to a whites only membership.
“Oh Lawdy”, the President declared to a delighted Republican delegation while waving his white gloved hands in the air, “Nobody know the troubles I seen wid dis here health care, an ya’ll white folks be happy to know I seen the error of my ways an make sure dat none of dis health care fussin’ benefit black folks.”
Afterward House Speaker John Boehner declared the President’s concession to be a significant breakthrough and commented “It would appear that Mr. Obama has finally come to know his place. Perhaps now we can finally move backwards…I mean forward in this country without certain people getting all uppity.”
You’ll Need Obama Care When I’m Done
Says Party In Need Of Adult Supervision
Saying that America functions best with a viable two party system, President Obama has decided the time has come for an intervention to halt the GOP’s latest descent into madness.
At a Tuesday morning news conference the President declared, “I have decided the time has come, in the Republican Party, for an adult to step forward with something more to offer than green eggs and ham. To that end my staff and I have searched within the GOP membership for the person who in these trying times seems to be the most sane and competent member of said group. After a long and careful search we have decided that that person is Ted Nuget. He has his faults but considering the actions of his political peers he actually appears statesmanlike.”
“Mr Nugent” continued President Obama, “will assume the duties of the office of GOP Overseer, the position currently held jointly by the brothers Koch. When we contacted Mr. Nugent with our proposal he at first expressed reservation as to whether his personality and inclinations would be a good fit for the position. We assured him that without changing a thing he would be the most competent person in the room.”