Cruise Jumps Gun With VP Announcement

Trump Plans To Respond With State Of Union Address

With Ted Cruise trying to metaphorically jump to the head of the line in front of political thunder lizard Donald Trump by naming Carly Fiorino as his vice presidential running mate, billionaire bully Trump has charged in front once again by announcing that his first State Of The Union message will be delivered before Congress ASAP. When our reporter asked how it would be possible for a non President Trump to speak at that venue, Trump replied, “Hey, this is congress. Money talks”.

When John Kasich was asked if he too planned a jump to the head of the presidential line he responded that since he was a big fan of Ronald Reagan and both Bushes he would immediately announce tax cuts for the rich and would search Google Maps for a country suitable for invasion.

“I have to admit that I’m having trouble finding one that we haven’t invaded. We already did  Mexico (1836-1846; 1913; 1914-1918; 1923), (3) Nicaragua (1856-1857; 1894; 1896; 1898; 1899; 1907; 1910; 1912-1933; 1981-1990), (5), Argentina (1890), (6), Chile (1891; 1973), (7) Haiti (1891; 1914-1934; 1994; 2004-2005), (8) Hawaii (1893-), (9) China (1895-1895; 1898-1900; 1911-1941; 1922-1927; 1927-1934; 1948-1949; 1951-1953; 1958), (10) Korea (1894-1896; 1904-1905; 1951-1953), (11) Panama (1895; 1901-1914; 1908; 1912; 1918-1920; 1925; 1958; 1964; 1989-), (12) Philippines (1898-1910; 1948-1954; 1989; 2002-), (13) Cuba (1898-1902; 1906-1909; 1912; 1917-1933; 1961; 1962), (14) Puerto Rico (1898-; 1950; ); (15) Guam (1898-), (16) Samoa (1899-), (17) Honduras (1903; 1907; 1911; 1912; 1919; 1924-1925; 1983-1989), (18) Dominican Republic (1903-1904; 1914; 1916-1924; 1965-1966),  (19) Germany (1917-1918; 1941-1945; 1948; 1961), (20) Russia (1918-1922), (21) Yugoslavia (1919; 1946; 1992-1994; 1999), (22) Guatemala (1920; 1954; 1966-1967), (23) Turkey (1922), (24) El Salvador (1932; 1981-1992),  (25) Italy (1941-1945); (26) Morocco (1941-1945), (27) France (1941-1945), (28) Algeria (1941-1945), (29) Tunisia (1941-1945), (30) Libya (1941-1945; 1981; 1986;  1989; 2011), (31) Egypt (1941-1945; 1956; 1967; 1973; 2013), (32) India (1941-1945),  (33) Burma (1941-1945), (34) Micronesia (1941-1945), (35) Papua New Guinea (1941-1945), (36) Vanuatu (1941-1945), (37) Austria (1941-1945), (38) Hungary (1941-1945), (39) Japan (1941-1945), (40) Iran (1946; 1953; 1980; 1984; 1987-1988; ), (41) Uruguay (1947), (42) Greece (1947-1949), Vietnam (1954; 1960-1975), (44) Lebanon (1958; 1982-1984), (45) Iraq (1958; 1963; 1990-1991; 1990-2003; 1998; 2003-2011), (46) Laos (1962-), (47) Indonesia (1965), (48) Cambodia (1969-1975; 1975), (49) Oman (1970), (50) Laos (1971-1973), (51) Angola (1976-1992), (52) Grenada (1983-1984), (53) Bolivia (1986; ), (54) Virgin Islands (1989), (55) Liberia (1990; 1997; 2003), (56) Saudi Arabia (1990-1991), (57) Kuwait (1991), (58) Somalia (1992-1994; 2006), (59) Bosnia (1993-), (60) Zaire (Congo) (1996-1997), (61) Albania (1997), (62) Sudan (1998), (63) Afghanistan (1998; 2001-), (64) Yemen (2000; 2002-), (65) Macedonia (2001), (66) Colombia (2002-), (67) Pakistan (2005-), (68) Syria (2008; 2011-), (69) Uganda (2011), (70) Mali (2013), (71) Niger (2013)”. “I hate to be a copycat”.

Dude! Where’s My Nomination?

GOP Proposes Nomination Alternatives

With front-runner Donald Trump hinting violence if he is not the Republican nominee at the Cleveland convention in July, GOP bigwigs have been frantically casting about for solutions that don’t involve the breaking of bones.

Although nothing has yet been decided, the leading alternative at this stage of the process is, assuming no nominee emerges on the first or second ballot, to have all comers try to correctly recite “Reince Priebus”, the name of the current chairman of the Republican National Committee, three times in succession. The winner will be judged on speed and accuracy.

Said the real Reince Priebus, “This won’t be easy. Even my mother eventually gave up and called me ‘Wrench’. But it’s still better than the previous suggestion which was to go with the candidate with the longest fingers”.

GOP Insiders Form “Stop Trump” Strategy

“Why Didn’t We Think Of This Sooner!”

“it worked with Global Warming. It worked with Evilution, and it will work with Trump!” said a GOP insider who would only identify himself as “Florida Man” after requesting anonymity over fears friends and family would discover he’d been a closeted Republican all these years.

Running Mates

Running Mates

“All we have to do”, continued Florida Man, “Is say, as a group, that we don’t believe in Donald Trump. Presto! He ceases to exist and we are free to choose whomever we want as our nominee. Beautiful, No?”

“Well, no.” Replied our brave reporter, facing off against another GOPer traveling through life with only the barest grasp on reality. “What will you do when Trump and his delegates show up at the convention and demand to be voted in as the nominee?”

“Oh that part is easy. My nine year old daughter over heard our discussions and suggested that we just put our hands over our ears and yell loudly, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“But it doesn’t stop there.” gushed Florida Man. “Once we get the White House back we’re going to practically eliminate health care costs by not believing in the Germ Theory of Disease, and give a huge boost, literally, to NASA by not believing in the Theory of Universal Gravitation. Oh, Why didn’t we think of this sonner?!”

GOP Voters Tired Of Current Debate Format

Many Would Prefer Farting Contest

Confused by such terms as foreign policy, marginal tax rate, and penis size, one third of GOP voters are turned off by the present tone of the Republican debates.

We sent our reporter to Ding Dong, Texas in order to gather the opinions of real GOP voters from a decidedly red state. The sample collected indicates that likely Republican primary voters feel that given the trajectory of the current debates the next logical step would be a farting contest. “At least we wouldn’t have their ideas messed up with a lot of big words”, said long time Ding Dong resident, retired boxer, Bob N. Weave.

When our reporter asked what such a contest could decide, Mr. Weave replied, “Nuttin’, but towards the end maybe they could entertain us by lighting a few and maybe entice Rick Perry to get back in the race.

Paris Climate Summit In Chaos

Snowless Buffalo Roils Talks

The news from Buffalo, NY hit the climate change summit like the blizzard of ’77. “This is already the latest in the season Buffalo has gone without recording at least .1 inch of snow (the old record was December 3, 1899).” said CNN. For those of you aspiring Jeopardy contestants, you’ll know that William McKinley was president then, until he visited Buffalo two years later.

“This new data puts a real sense of urgency into finding a solution to the climate change dilemma” said Alberta Clipper, head of the U.S. Geological Survey which conducts monthly telephone polls asking Americans if they are, Completely, Somewhat, or Not, satisfied with the amount of bedrock under their region.

Also shocked by the new data were Percival and Pierpont Koch, inheritors of their father’s coal, oil, and gas, fortune. “We had no idea the situation was this dire”, the Koch brothers said in an email statement that they stressed had been written with recycled electrons.

“Yeah, seeing a few Pacific island nations drowning due to thermal expansion of the world’s oceans, and knowing that no matter what we do from now on, Miami and New Orleans are doomed, well, stuff happens. But, Buffalo without snow? This is getting serious.

Shocker!! Jeb Exits GOP Presidential Primary



Jeb Bush

Even though dropping poll numbers indicated that Jeb Bush was in trouble regarding the fight for the GOP presidential nomination, this evening’s announcement that he would give up his pursuit of the top spot on the 2016 Republican ticket blindsided even the most aware political observers.

“I have decided to immediately end my pursuit of the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States”, stated a somber Jeb Bush at a hastily called press conference in front of his campaign headquarters in Hootin Hollar, New Hampshire. “I wish to thank my supporters for all of their help, but I feel that our effort was dragged down by the media constantly reporting that my last name is ‘Bush’. I therefore have decided to end my campaign in order to spend more time with my family”.

Double Shocker! Political Unknown Steps Into Race


John Ellis Doppelganger

Coming close on the heels of Jeb Bush’s withdrawal from the GOP campaign, a complete political unknown has announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. Speaking in front of his newly opened campaign headquarters in North Hootin Hollar, New Hampshire, John Ellis Doppelganger said his main qualification for president was not being related to anybody who has ever been president.

Our latest reports indicate that Doppelganger appears to be appealing to the supporters of former candidate Bush and has been drawing interest from former Bush donors.


Kentucky Clerk To Monetize 15 Minutes Of “Fame”

Movin’ On Up Right Wing Style

With an eye toward cashing in before the FOX “news” bandwagon finds a newer, shinier, object, Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who alone stood in the breech doing God’s work by denying marriage licenses to couples not worthy before the Lord, says she is casting about for ideas on how to turn her notoriety into an income stream able to, as she put it in off the record remarks, “…get me out of craphole, Kentucky.”

“When HuKim Davisckabee came to town I knew I had hit the big time. Not Sarah Palin big, but in that ballpark. I asked The Huckster if he could get me a gig on FOX, maybe after I dyed my hair blond, but he said that in my case it would take considerably more than that.”

“With Palin finding right wing gold on the No-Think-Um speaking circuit I might strike out in that direction. I figure if I can fill a room hectoring about the sanctity of marriage after having three divorces and four marriages I am definitely movin’ on up.”


FOX “news” Admits Technical Snafu

Dennis Hastert

*SCANDAL* Democrat Bill Clinton *SCANDAL*

Puts Bill Clinton’s Name Under Dennis Hastert’s Picture

Saying it was merely a mistake and nothing to get all excited about, FOX “news” acknowledged erroneously captioning a picture of recently indicted former House of Representatives speaker Dennis Hastert while reporting on Hastert’s sex and money laundering scandal during a brief


break in its wall to wall coverage of Benghazi, Clinton Cash, Hillary Is The Antichrist, and Was Hillary Born In Kenya?.

We had a similar problem when reporting on the gay sex scandals of Mark Foley and Larry Craig when the graphics miss identified them as being Democrats. The computers that do our on screen graphics are controlled by an algorithm that when presented with the term, “scandal” automatically displays “Democrat” and then searches a database for the name of a random Democrat. In this case the first name it came to was “Clinton, Bill”.

When our reporter asked what other Democratic names are in the database, he was told, “Clinton, Bill, Clinton, Hillary, and Obama, Barack. “The list is short because when we polled our viewers those names ended up at the very top of our viewers’ Hate Index. As we say here at FOX, ‘Hate is our most important product”.


Patriots Deflate Thousands Of Seattle Balls

Brady, Belichick Scramble To Take “Blame”

 “It was the strangest feeling”, said unusually quiet Seahawks fan, Tommy Testicular, sitting quietly in University of Phoenix Stadium long after Super Bowl XLIX ended as the cleaning crew roamed ever closer with their hair raising, debri slinging, leaf blowers.

Seattle Deflated“My last clear memory is of sitting here waiting for Marshawn Lynch to cross that goal line and make every misstep, every road not taken, every sling and arrow of outrageous fortune in my heretofore so called life seem as dust in the wind, when suddenly I’m surrounded by cries of “Wha…Wha hapin?” and “Daddy, can we go home now?”

But the worst is the feeling of all that testosterone rushing to my nether regions, swelling my clangers to twice their size and rousing the old Bald Headed Butler to think he’s about to embark upon a two week orgy, and then, nothing, nothing at all.

When our sympathetic reporter asked Mr. Testicular if he could sum up his painful feelings in one word he sat silently for awhile and then quietly said, “Deflated. Deflated is the word.”

Miami Police Unapologetic For Black Mugshot Target Practice

John Boehner

No!! Wait!! Its Me!!!!

Police Chief: “What should we use? Disney characters?”

Concerned citizens are speaking out regarding the revelation that North Miami police used the mugshots of African American men for target practice at a training session.

The BBC reported “The images used by North Miami Beach Police were discovered by a female soldier who used the firing range after a police training session. Sgt Valerie Deant recognised her brother as one of the target images, according to NBC Miami.”

In response Police Chief J Scott Dennis said at a hastily called news conference, “Sgt. Deant’s brother had his mugshot taken after he was arrested for drag racing. We hope this proper and unassailable use of his physiognomy will deter other young men of his persuasion from dressing up as women and running up and down the streets of North Miami with impunity.”

Reporters stood open mouthed as an aide whispered in Chief Dennis’ ear and the Chief mumbled “It doesn’t?”, “Really?”

The press conference ended as the aide took over the microphone and apologized that the prepared response had too many fifty cent words resulting in confusion and that a fuller explanation would be forthcoming.