Brady, Belichick Scramble To Take “Blame”
“It was the strangest feeling”, said unusually quiet Seahawks fan, Tommy Testicular, sitting quietly in University of Phoenix Stadium long after Super Bowl XLIX ended as the cleaning crew roamed ever closer with their hair raising, debri slinging, leaf blowers.
“My last clear memory is of sitting here waiting for Marshawn Lynch to cross that goal line and make every misstep, every road not taken, every sling and arrow of outrageous fortune in my heretofore so called life seem as dust in the wind, when suddenly I’m surrounded by cries of “Wha…Wha hapin?” and “Daddy, can we go home now?”
But the worst is the feeling of all that testosterone rushing to my nether regions, swelling my clangers to twice their size and rousing the old Bald Headed Butler to think he’s about to embark upon a two week orgy, and then, nothing, nothing at all.
When our sympathetic reporter asked Mr. Testicular if he could sum up his painful feelings in one word he sat silently for awhile and then quietly said, “Deflated. Deflated is the word.”
No!! Wait!! Its Me!!!!
Police Chief: “What should we use? Disney characters?”
Concerned citizens are speaking out regarding the revelation that North Miami police used the mugshots of African American men for target practice at a training session.
The BBC reported “The images used by North Miami Beach Police were discovered by a female soldier who used the firing range after a police training session. Sgt Valerie Deant recognised her brother as one of the target images, according to NBC Miami.”
In response Police Chief J Scott Dennis said at a hastily called news conference, “Sgt. Deant’s brother had his mugshot taken after he was arrested for drag racing. We hope this proper and unassailable use of his physiognomy will deter other young men of his persuasion from dressing up as women and running up and down the streets of North Miami with impunity.”
Reporters stood open mouthed as an aide whispered in Chief Dennis’ ear and the Chief mumbled “It doesn’t?”, “Really?”
The press conference ended as the aide took over the microphone and apologized that the prepared response had too many fifty cent words resulting in confusion and that a fuller explanation would be forthcoming.
Tip Of Hat To Those Who Made It Possible
Killing unarmed civilians, women, and children is hard work. Many times I have to whisper a prayer of thanks to President Cheney to keep my spirits up.
Saying they wanted to pay homage to the two people who did the most to make terrorism a way of life in Iraq and Afghanistan and in the process pave the way for their fundamentalist, uncompromising, worldview to find fruition in a new Islamic state, ISIS leader Hassan Ben Easy was seen in a video released on a jihadist website praising the former Dynamic Duo for their destabilization of Afghanistan and Iraq in particular and the entire region in general.
“We needed Saddam Hussein and the Taliban out of the way since even though they were far from perfect, they did keep everybody away from each other’s throats and kept things on an even keel. When President Cheney, or maybe President Bush, we were never sure who was running that White House, smashed up Iraq and Afghanistan we saw our chance and we took it.”
When our reporter contacted Ben Easy and asked if he felt the Bush Cheney duo had any special qualities that made them particularly suited to the task of clearing the way for the formation of the Caliphate, he replied, “Just the usual trait that makes men want to start wars, carry military weapons in public, and wear camouflage; a little dick.”
Propose Tearing Down Statue of Liberty
“The problem with these illegals has been in front of our faces all along”, thundered Rush Limbaugh recently on his nationally syndicated radio program, “Yelling Crap That I Make Up“, heard daily in private golf clubs and tattoo parlors across the land.
I Knew Their War on Women Would Eventually Get Around To Me.
“We’ve got a damn billboard out in New York harbor inviting the riff raff of the world to come, sully our shores, and park their huddled asses or masses, or whatever, right in the middle of everything that we hold dear!”
“When was the last time you heard one of these huddled asses talk about entitlement reform or tax relief? Never! They claim they’re too busy riding the back of a garbage truck or ripping the kidneys out of pork bellies at the Hormel plant, while those of us who had the foresight to be born here have to put up with their whining about deserving citizenship just because they came here and worked like dogs in and for the land of their dreams.”
“So the sooner we get that Liberal eyesore out of the harbor and get back to blaming all of our troubles on too few guns and too high taxes we can get back to the things that made this country great; Liberty and Justice for all!”
Common Sense From Your Friends At The NRA
1. Don’t wear hoodies!!! Are you stupid America? Don’t wear hoodies, period, end of discussion. Its raining, its cold. Tough. Don’t wear hoodies. If you do, you deserve to be shot.
2. Don’t throw popcorn!!! Stop being stupid! Throw popcorn at someone who is trying to mind your business and you will die. End of story!
I Can’t Wait For My Child To Be Shot By One Of These Beauties
3. Don’t go to school. Stupid! That’s where school shootings take place. Smarten up!
4. Don’t work at the Post Office. What, are you nuts?! If someone is going to go Postal where do you think they will be? Right! Now use your head fer cryin’ out loud.
5. Don’t walk on the sidewalks! What? Are you the only person who hasn’t heard of drive by shootings? Don’t be an idiot! Don’t walk! Period!
6. Don’t go to the mall you idiot! Mall shootings are now an accepted part of American life. That stuff at the mall is overpriced anyway.
7. Do carry a loaded firearm at all times, everywhere; movies, work, daycare centers, town meetings, grocery shopping, job interviews, because you never know when you may encounter someone who doesn’t think you have the right to run their life.
This message has been brought to you by The NRA. Creating a safer America, one gun at a time.
…with “Mind Your Own Business”
Facing the prospect of another Zimmermanesque multimillion dollar murder trial, Florida’s tax averse retiree heavy population has called for replacing their “shoot anybody, anytime, for any reason, law known as “Stand Your Ground” with a more taxpayer friendly substitute tentatively known as “Mind Your Own Business”.
“How many fistfights turned multimillon dollar murder trials can we afford in Florida before New York starts looking like a tax haven?” asked long time resident, Fiduciary Doody. “If this keeps up we Floridians might have to start paying taxes.”
When reached for comment regarding Florida’s latest “He made me mad so I shot him” episode, Zimmerman juror B37 opined that if she were chosen for the jury her vote would be to acquit. “It was entirely the texter’s fault. This is Florida. He should have known that the guy behind him brought a gun to the movies. Its what we do.”
“I thought we agreed to just slash his tires”
An angry Chris Christie lashed out at his top staffers Thursday over their apparent rogue decision to shut down lanes on the George Washington bridge in order to embarrass a political opponent. “I never gave permission to do something so disruptive as this.” I thought we were in agreement at the planning meeting that we would just slash his tires or maybe rough him up a bit on the sidewalk outside his office. In fact I was the one who nixed the idea of breaking his legs, knowing the liberal press would just use that as a segue into Obamacare.”
Sorry Mary. This One Is A BFD
In a related story, Mary Matalin, Republican strategist, responded “BFD” (Big Fucking Deal) when asked what her thoughts were on the widening New Jersey scandal. It is, apparently, her opinion that disrupting the health and safety of thousands of the people that you have sworn to serve does not rise to the level of a Lewinsky.
Threatens To Torch Buffalo – Again
Angry at the Jimmy Kimmels and Jay Lenos of the U.S. TV landscape holding him up to ridicule on a nightly basis, Toronto mayor Rob Ford has vowed retaliation in the form of sacking and burning his U.S. neighbor, Buffalo, NY. “Why not”, shouted a belligerent and possibly coked-up Ford at a City Hall press conference. “Its the two hundredth anniversary of the first time we did it. They’re always doing their wimpy reenactments at Fort Niagara. We’ll give them a reenactment they won’t soon forget”.
I’m referring all questions to my counsel
When the red faced and neck vein bulging Ford calmed down sufficiently for our brave reporter to get in a word he reminded Ford that the Americans might not take kindly to having one of their cities burned and that the entire Canadian military was sufficiently small that it could probably fit into Ralph Wilson Stadium.
“Its Buffalo, for crying out loud”, yelled the Toronto leader. “The only time anybody in the U.S. even remembers that they still exist is when another football team comes to town to kick their collective asses”.
When word of Ford’s threat reached the residents of Buffalo the general consensus was “Burn if you must, but we’ll have the last laugh when Rogers Cable eventually buys the Bills and moves them to Toronto”.
“They All Look Alike To Me”
Kim Jong Un’s fascination with Dennis Rodman is finally explained as a case of mistaken identity. Saying “I never could tell one from another” Kim Jong Un, leader of the reclusive nation of North Korea, said at a hastily called news conference, “I never thought to ask what he did back home. I just assumed…”
Rodman? President? HaHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“Its an honest mistake.”, explained a government spokesperson. “I mean, how many tall black people can one country have? In North Korea we have only two kinds of people; the fat, and the starving.”
When our reporter, bullhorn in hand, from the safe side of the DMZ, asked if this revelation would affect Kim’s desire to have Dennis Rodman train a North Korean basketball team to compete in exhibition games with teams from the United States, Kim replied, “The training will go forward, after which this impostor will be executed. I executed my ex girlfriend and my uncle so why should I hesitate at a cross-dressing rebounder who sets off every metal detector in our airport.”
FOX “news” Critical
Brit Hume, on his FOX “news” program “Saying Things I’m Told To Say”, blasted the Pope, the Vatican, and especially the Vatican’s chief alms-giver, Archbishop Konrad Krajewski, for “…setting a bad example for world leaders everywhere”. “Making a public display of such foolishness will only encourage other world leaders to engage in similar folderol such as, God forbid, health care.”
FOX to Vatican – You’ll Need This To Carry Your Ass When We’re Done With You
The focus of Hume’s wrath, Vatican almoner Archbishop Konrad Krajewski, who describes himself as someone who “goes out to hug the people who suffer” declined our request for an interview to respond to the criticism from FOX saying only, “We weren’t aware that Canis had evolved sufficiently to host a television program. However, having viewed several episodes we are saddened to see that said evolution continues to be painfully slow.”
When informed of the Vatican response, Hume fumed, “He’s the Vatican’s ‘chief almoner’ is he? Well, we’ll see what he is after we sic Blue Diamond’s lawyers on him. He’ll be back in the Peanut Gallery with the rest of the nuts!”